Education

And now for week 3 of The Series:

If you don’t have enough pet hair on your couch, you can get it in just 3 easy steps.

Doggy Stepsâ„¢

Why waste another day worrying about that ugly septic pipe in your yard when you could spend your time looking at an ugly fake plastic tree stump? (includes lifelike 2-inch squirrels and raccoons.)

“Hide-a-pipe tree stump makes unsightly above-ground septic pipes disappear.” (I really think they could have used an exclamation point here, but what do I know?! I’m not the magician.)

It’s too late for me to invent a fork with razor sharp edges. The Knork is already a life-threatening registered trademark.

“When is a fork a knife? When it’s a Knork®! Clever design gives this fork a cutting edge along its beveled outside tines.”

Protecting your valuable furniture is never out of style.

“See-Thru Furniture Covers
protect your beautiful chairs and sofas. Heavy duty, stitched slipcovers are contoured to fit all arm chairs. They slip on and off in a snap to keep out dust, dirt, spills, bugs. Will last for years.” (For years? Oh goody!)

You can save space by installing a large metal device on your wall to crush cans. I’ve always preferred crushing cans on my forehead or with a swift flick and stomp movement, but then I know nothing about saving space. Apparently it can also be screwed directly into your table.

“Space-saving Can crusher for wall or table. Don’t let empty cans pile up between collections!”

And now for week 2 of The Series:

If you purchased all of the organizers and devices in the catalog, you would need an organizer to hold all of your organizers. It appears that the catalog itself is an organizer for exclamation points and photographs of sythetic materials.

“Dashboard Organizer keeps essentials at your fingertips so you can keep your eyes on the road!”

The squeals you hear from your friends after they come across your demonic pig tree feeder are squeals of “laughter”.

“Pig Tree Feeder will have everyone squealing with laughter!”

There are uglier front door mats.

“Welcome mat will have guests hangin’ with the ‘Gnome-ies’!”

Don’t stress out if little Timmy’s still not interested in using the potty. Let him start when he’s ready. It’s never too late for toilet training.

“Waterproof Pants” (Available in sizes up to a 58″ waist.)

Crafty people like vinyl that resembles lace. Non-crafty people like tablecloths that resemble cloth.

“For the crafty hostess – a vinyl tablecloth that resembles lace!”

I can eat as much as I want on Flag Day.

Waist Extender adds up to 5″ to waist bands of jeans, pants, skirts.

Dan and I love getting the Harriet Carter catalog and devour it like we’re reading the color funnies. But more than an entertaining page-turner, the Harriet Carter catalog is also an educational tool. The next 4 weekends, I will share some lessons we’ve learned from Harriet Carter that may enrich your lives as well.

Everything becomes more valuable if it’s As Seen on TV. I suppose that makes this website a “must-have”. Actually, maybe not. I think the item has to be As Seen on TV in a paid advertisement to be truly remarkable. I did not pay to be As Seen on the Today Show.

My Lil’ Reminderâ„¢

Sticky-backed Velcro is the only hardware you should ever need for home improvement projects.

Instant Screen Door lets fresh air in, keeps bugs out! Screen attaches to almost any door frame with hook and loop strips included.

You can write anything you want and it’s never a lie as long as you type it in quotes. I “ran” down the stairs this “morning,” ate some “nutritious” cereal and “sang hymns” to the kids as I made them “muffins” from “scratch”. “This” could come in handy.

“Wrought Iron” Garden Fence adds instant visual impact to your lawn, flowerbeds, along a path or walkway. Looks like iron but it’s actually heavy-duty, weather-resistant plastic that won’t rust or corrode.

“Silk” Rose Bush bursts with blooms that will last for years! Enjoy them in a vase indoors, or outdoors as part of a shaded garden”” these beauties will never wilt or fade. Onlookers will be hard-pressed to tell the real from the “silks.”

The cure for hunch-back-itis is to stand up straight and wear a magnetic bra.

Magnetic Back Support helps ease pain and corrects poor posture! Special design pulls back shoulders, straightens neck and head, and aligns spine without discomfort. 12 magnets inside the adjustable brace may help soothe spine and lumbar area.

There is a special “AS SEEN ON TV” cleaner for every bodily fluid that may “spill” on your carpet, mattress or upholstery. If it comes with a free “stain detector” you can see exactly where all the “spills” are in your house or throw a rave.

Urine Goneâ„¢ removes new or old stains & odors from carpets, mattresses, furniture – just about any washable surface or fabric! Darken the room and use the included “stain detector” black light to let you find the urine messes. Just spray on Urine Gone and its enzyme action makes stains and odors disappear.

Dan and I are a tad twisted. We are also literate and we have children. We like to read to them. We also encourage them to yell “helloooo” down storm drains to the imaginary people and piranhas who have made the sewer their home, but that’s neither here nor there.

I love how Dan always announces the title, author and illustrator before each story he reads. If none is listed, he’ll simply say, “Bunny Bedtime, by Nobody.” This makes me giggle every time. I also really really like it when he finds hidden meanings in the text. I’ve mentioned this before.

Recently Dan was reading Bunny Bedtime by Nobody.

Hop away, hop away fast little bunnies. You have no idea what subtle horror awaits you just a few short pages away.

Dan reads it this way: “Little bunnies are ready to eat. Fresh from the oven, they taste delicious in a stew.”

Personally, I think it’s inappropriate to write about bunnies being “ready to eat,” in a story intended for very young children. It’s a BOARD BOOK, for heck’s sake! It looks to me like they’re giving the rabbits treats just to fatten them up. Sickening. There are children reading this.

But don’t worry. I’ve got a sharpie and I’m not afraid to follow Strong Bad’s example and do some creative editing. Maybe the bunnies could be “ready to love,” “ready to take to the library,” or “ready to dress up in human clothing and lose all personal dignity doing a cute cuddly calendar photo shoot.”

Who doesn’t love the thought of a wittle bunny in designer jeans, suspenders and a ball cap? Hopefully no one who reads this blog.