For the sake of this Tuesday’s discussion, we will consider all “diets” to be crazy. I hate them. I want to lose weight. I don’t want to eat cabbage soup, count my calories, assign a complex scoring system to each food item, or work out more than 30 minutes per day, capiche?
Here are my tips:
1. Don’t graze (I stole this tip from Kathy Peel). Cows graze. People sit down to eat. Kathy says never eat while standing or while doing another activity. Being a mother, I can see that this means I will likely never eat again and will therefore lose tons of weight.
2. If you’re currently pregnant, give birth. This TOTALLY worked for me.
3. Don’t buy anything that tastes good. If the food is lame, you won’t eat it, right? I think that’s Dr. Phil’s entire diet plan. Oh yeah, he had all that other stuff in there too.
4. Don’t get mad, stressed, annoyed or sad. This will cause you to eat a ton of Trader Joe’s whole-wheat spiral pasta with red sauce and shredded cheese while simmering in a hot bath and crying. The sweat and tears lost in the hot bath will not make up for the calories gained by eating the pasta. Try to remain calm.
5. Blow your nose before you get on the scale. I actually came up with this tip for myself one night, which sent me over the edge. That very night, I put this topic in the Tip Tuesday queue.
I need your help.
You HAVE to have better ideas than these or you’re a lot dumber than you look.
Update: check out The Bloggest Loser.