A Marathon
Yesterday I dipped my toes in the pool of insanity. Yesterday I set some sort of record for caffeine consumption. Yesterday I watched Magoo plunge his hands into two public toilets, create a tsunami at Denny’s in Butte, Montana and smear his body with CANDY!! OH, OH, OH CANDY!!!!!!!
Yesterday I took a 14.5 hour road …
Why Hey?
Laylee sits next to me tapping and making alarmingly loud sucking and hocking noises.
I politely ask her to stop.
The noises continue.
I yell, “HEY!!!!”
She looks at me innocently. “Why hey, Mamma?”
I am dumbfounded. “WHY HEY?” I respond.
“I’m serious. Why hey?”
She was also serious today in the pediatrician’s office when she placed her hands on her chest and said, “See these pointy parts. These are my breasts.” She then gently cupped my own mammaries and said, “These are your breasts. They are much lower than mine. When I get big and old like you my chest will go down SO LOW too.”
The truth is out. I no longer have the body of a four-year-old. I did not feel inclined to explain that her four-year-old body was partially to blame for my general lack of perkishness. WHY HEY? Why indeed.
The List
So talking about “the list” got me thinking about the lists I’ve used in the past to name my children. Today being March 4th got me thinking about marching forth and doing all the things I’ve been planning to do for a long time but haven’t done for no real reason except I don’t much feel like doing them.
As an aside, my house is clean right now. Freakishly clean. It has been for over 24 hours and the children have even been allowed to roam freely about the house at times. You could eat off my kitchen floor – but please don’t….
FAT SPAM and Dancing
Have you been getting the spam telling you that all of your co-workers are talking behind your back about what a fat slob you are? I have. The email goes into detail about all the office gossip and how the sender doesn’t want to be the one to tell me how disgusting I am but just wants to save me from future trauma.
I cannot believe it. For one thing, …
My Fear of Holes
I don’t really trust the holes in my washer.
I refuse to put the soap in until the bottom holes fill with water.
Who wants to throw all that detergent into a pock-marked abyss?
Not me.
And so I wait.
Tip Tuesday — Save a Penny
With a leettle expert advice, we’ve decided the new roof can wait for a few years while we save up to pay for it in cash. If things get really bad, we may send Laylee and Magoo to live in the attic holding pots and pans. Maybe they’ll make friends with the rats who will one day repay Laylee by making her a beautiful ball gown, which I will subsequently tear to shreds.
So now, rather than adding a high interest second mortgage payment to our monthly expenses, we need to save an extra $400 per month for the next 3 years. I am personally scared spitless considering I feel like we’re living close to the edge of our income as it is.
I’ve started to institute some cost-saving measures around the house and wondered if you had any other ideas to help me out.
1. You’re just not that into it — You may think you are now, in light of the amazing sale going on at J.C. Penny. But take a moment before you buy that rhinestone encrusted t-shirt or 3 TBSP capacity motorized jell-o grinder.
-Picture yourself carrying the item home.
-Where will it go in your house?
-How often will you use it?
-Tug and pull at the fabric. Is it likely to stretch out wide and shrink to the flattering level of -just above your belly button with only a few washings?
-Do you have anything at home that could do the job just as well with a little creativity?
-Would you put it on your birthday wish list and be happy with it as your gift?
In the end, if you wouldn’t be tempted to buy it at full price, don’t snatch it up just because it’s on sale.
2. Just because the recipe says you need it, doesn’t mean you do — I have always been one for following a recipe to the letter, especially the first time around. If it says to buy Kalamata olives to the tune of $5 per jar, I listen to the recipe. Not anymore my friends. There are tons of great substitutions you can make. Also, the more you make from scratch, the more you save. It doesn’t have to be hard. This book is helping me immensely. I’m also saving a lot with The Grocery Game.
3. Form an accountability group, preferably with someone who is effected by your spending habits — Dan and I have started meeting each night to discuss how much we’ve spent each day and what we have to show for it. If I know I’m going to have to say out loud, “I bought myself another brown purse because this one has more pockets and ooo look how much more current the style is than the other 10 brown purses collecting dust in my closet. IT HAS GOLD RIVETS!” I’m 67% more likely to leave the purse on the rack. I may be sad for 30 seconds but by the time I get back to my car, I feel mighty powerful for just walking away.
4. To quote Mir, “Friends don’t let friends pay full retail.” Subscribe to wantnot.net for great deals on things you were planning to buy anyway.
5. Have you ever heard of the library? – Don’t buy every book you ever thought of reading. Fully half the books I buy end up going back to the used bookstore as soon as I’ve finished. I waste buckets of money doing this every year.
Now share your tips, I beseech you.
reasons: rolling half-chewed apples, playdates, future Oscar wins, pigs feet
The Touching
Come visit me at the parenting post today and see why I’m thinking of hiring a Human Resources director to come live at my house.
Tip Tuesday – Cheer Up Little Fella
What cheers you? What brings you joy? When you need a quick pick-me up during the day, where do you turn?
Paint your toenails all different colors. If you really want to cheer up, paint your daughter’s too. If you REALLY need something extra, paint your son’s as well and see how long it takes dad to notice.
Lay on your back in the middle of the laundry pile and move the clothes around until they fit your body exactly. Then fake laughter until it becomes real or maniacal. Throw large clothing items at your children.
When your children are yelling at you, yell back in unrelated jibberishical syllables while dancing around and shaking your hair. Stop. Take a trip to the potty by way of the Cadbury mini-egg stash and stay there for a day or two. (If your home contains young children, you are authorized to peak through the crack under the door every hour or so.)
Eddie of the house of Bauer.
Conduct and star in your own living room opera. If you’re at work, go find your car in the parking garage and scare a few unsuspecting commuters with your muffled melodies. CD soundtrack is optional.
If all else fails, post your medical history on the internet and watch the encouraging comments pour in. I’ve got this goiter, ya see…
I’d love to hear what little releases you all have up your sleeves.
Comments Rule
Today I got the best comment ever on my blog at The Parenting Post.
“Seriously.. if my name were Magoo I’d want to commit suicide.. I can’t believe people are actually listening to this stupid baby-naming fad.. STOP NAMING YOUR CHILDREN AFTER FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. Also, stop making up new names.. we have a list of names for a reason.. so USE IT!”
The commenter kindly provided his email address to which I sent this response:
Yes, Magoo is totally his real name. I didn’t give him an alter-ego at all on my blog to protect his privacy. I thought it would be a good idea to use his real name on the blog so his junior high friends could google search “Magoo Daring” and find out all about the consistency of his infantile poop. You’re right. I must be stopped.
Our next child will be named McFrick or Throckmorton, regardless of gender. Are those on “the list” or should I keep brainstorming?