I’m sick and sickly, yo. My throat hurts in a way that makes my ears itch WAY down on the inside, WAY down where my ear canal connects to my gland canal connects to my hipbone. So I drank some tea and cleaned my house today, because if I’m gonna die, I want all Widower Dan’s casserole-bringing visitors to know what a good homemaker I was.
Tonight I coughed so hard that I sent myself into a spasm of “musculoskeletal discomfort” on the left side of my chest. I refrained from running to the ER… this time.
1. It’s extra-long to cover 2/3 of my personal person with snug ribbing at the bottom to prevent drafts but no bunching at the band to give me an upside down muffin top. It doesn’t give me any streusel topping either.
2. It’s fitted to show off my girlish figger.
3. The hood has an uber-plush rim to cushion my eyebrows comfortably.
4. It comes equipped with a fuzzy woodland creature to subtly suggest my Canadian heritage without knocking people over with my blatant patriotism.
5. It has holes in the cuffs.
They’re on purpose. They’re for thumbs to live in.
6. It has an electronics grommet in the pocket. If I ever go back to Junior High, I’ll be all set to studiously avoid my parents, teachers and fellow classmates inexplicably with this super awesome iPod portal. My tiny ear buds will work their way secretly up the inside of my hoodie. With no visible cord and my hood pulled tightly around my face, I’ll be able to listen to my favorite K-Fed tunes on high volume, simultaneously damaging my hearing, zapping my brain of vital nerve endings, and alienating everyone around me because they have no idea why I won’t respond to anything they say.
For now I’m not responding to anything anyone says because I’m sick, yo. And not in a good way. Peace out and pass the Kleenex. I just need to leave a hood opening big enough for my nose to fit out and a bendy straw to fit in.