Digging out of a Hole

I don’t often need to listen to Weezer but when I do it really pumps me up. Because if they can rhyme “front” with “violent…lunt,” then I’m pretty sure I can do anything I put my mind to.

What’s with these homies dissin’ my girl?
Why do they gotta front?
What did we ever do to these guys
That made them so violent?

Wednesday was a crappy day. And I’d like to make the disclaimer that I know I have an easy, charmed life, but some days are just hard. I didn’t accomplish what I wanted to accomplish and I did do a bunch of stuff that I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do. And that makes me feel bad about myself. When I feel bad about myself, I consider that a crappy day. And I had been sliding toward it for about a week.

It was one of those days where you don’t want to do anything you should do for the very reason that you know you should do it. You don’t know what I’m talking about? Feel free to move along.

One of the big problems stemmed from the fact that I decided to try Weight Watchers a few weeks ago. Mother Oprah says she’s finally found peace with food by using Weight Watchers so I thought, Why not? Bring it, O-Money! The problem is that a few weeks into just about any diet, I get angry.

What the chicken? I’m sick of chicken. No one can make me eat this delicious chicken breast. Even me. Even though I’m the one setting the limits, I get mad that the limits exist. “Accountability is the worst,” I say! So, I ate the whole house on Wednesday. And it didn’t even taste good.

I do much better emotionally when I simply make small changes to my eating habits, rather than going all-in on a new “lifestyle.” But I don’t always do so well with my weight when I simply make small changes and I’ve definitely packed on some hibernation pounds this last winter…er…two years.

I’m also having a harder time than I thought I would managing my time with my kids all in school. I have an overwhelming list of things to do and several hours each day to do them. I have great organizing systems in place. But I have such little motivation to do the hard things on my list.

I wouldn’t call it a midlife crisis but it’s definitely a housewife crisis. I’ve always been a stay-at-home mom and now, for 6 hours a day, I’m a housewife… and a writer. No little kids to raise. Just a bunch of their crap strewn all over the house I feel the need to pick up, volunteer commitments, a ton of personal writing and blogging goals with no deadlines or accountability, and this feeling that I need to be contributing more financially but that I have no idea where to start. I wish I could just write and make money but it’s not that simple. There’s a little thing called marketing and I haven’t figured out how to do it yet.

And my next Drops of Awesome book is coming out and I love it, but when I have days like this I think… who am I to help people feel happy? I do not have everything figured out. I need Drops of Awesome thinking just as much as anyone who reads my stuff.

I ruminated on this for a couple of days. I’m writing books about this stuff and yet I still need Drops of Awesome thinking as much as anyone who reads my stuff. And I kept plugging away. Periodically weeping in the shower over my own inadequacy. Reaching out to friends. Driving to that stupid Weight Watchers meeting to weigh in, even though I knew my weight would be up… re: Snow Day Cinnamon Roll Gate 2017.

And then last night it hit me with full force. I NEED DROPS OF AWESOME THINKING JUST AS MUCH AS ANYONE WHO READS MY STUFF! Like I actually need it. Literally. I have to focus on it. I have to reboot my thinking patterns. That’s the way out of this hole.

It’s actually quite silly how often I come to this earth-shattering realization and recommit to being nice to myself and focusing on my wins. I am much more consistently good at reminding other people to turn off their negative voices than I am at turning off my own.

But last night I took a few minutes to think about what I’d done well that day and the day before, the awful waste of life day. And I found that I’d done quite a lot that I hadn’t given myself credit for. And I woke up this morning motivated and ready to face the day. A bit.

I was tired, but I decided to make a nice breakfast and then maybe lie down. But while I was making breakfast, I thought I might as well pack the kids’ lunches for them. And while I was at it, I loaded the breakfast dishes and washed the griddle. I have a tradition of leaving it out dirty for a day or two but I decided, what the heck?! And since I was awake and alert and, you know, cleaning griddles, I might as well sit down in my pajamas and type up this blog post. It was like that children’s book, If You Give A Dog a Drop of Awesome. It might come full circle to the point where I cook again tonight around dinner time. Crazy.

I’d like to say a word about friends. I need them. I talked and cried with a few different friends over the past few days and they listened to me. And helped me clean my kitchen. And offered to drive my kids to things so I could stay home and feel crappy about myself. And gave me hugs. And shared their stories of sadness and personal struggle. And they’re probably the reason I was able to figure this out and pull myself out of this self-created hole.

They didn’t tell me my sadness was irrational, although it probably was. They didn’t tell me to suck it up because I have a cushy life and have no right to feel sad. They were simply kind to me. And that sparked in me the desire to be kind to myself. And that’s what I needed.

Often when I’m feeling down or shameful or self-critical, I want to hide and be alone. But that’s never the answer. We need each other. And we need to see each other at our worst because it gives each of us a chance to be at our best and show love.

Which brings me back to Weezer. Why do any of us homies gotta front? Be real. Be Awesome. Be kind to yourself. It’s simple but it’s really hard sometimes. We can do this.