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… but I just did it again!

Can I get an empathetic cringe across the interwebs?

HELP! We’re planning what will possibly be the most magical week of our princess-obsessed lives. I know a lot of you have been to Disneyland recently and I’d love to hear your suggestions and tips to have the most fun possible for the most reasonable cost.

We plan to fly down and stay in a hotel.

We want to be in the park for 3 days.

We want our brains to explode all over the park with the joy of it.

We want to have enough money left in our bank account afterwards to buy food for the rest of the month once we get home.

…because I won’t let him look through the viewfinder of the camera WHILE I’m taking his picture.

…because he can’t find his FUDDY GUY! (Anything from a clown to an astronaut to the demonic bionical happy meal toy with the red glowing eyes is a “funny guy” according to Magoo.)

…because his spoon is the wrong color.

…because when he said “yes” he really meant “no” which of course meant “yes” except today because it didn’t and I dared to misunderstand his meaning.

…when I move him back to the crib after he escapes from his bunkbed. As he cries, he yells, “I WANT MY CHANCES!”

…because these feet aren’t really skid proof and the linoleum is less forgiving than he’d like.

…because everything fun is “dangerous.”

…because he’s two, the cookies are “hid” and life is pain.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly less plagued by the raging viral plague of death than I have for the past few days, feeling so well in fact that I even showered, wore clothes (of a sort), went to the gym and did some grocery shopping. It was a glorious day to be half alive again.

There was only one problem with today. The sun was shining. That might sound like a good thing but not to a family of little vampires. My kids are so used to the cloudiness of the northwest that on bright days like today Magoo walks around with his eyes squidged shut and one hand out in front of him yelling at me, “The sun is ON! Turn it OFF! Turn it OFF!” His little pale face winces and he slams into things repeatedly because he refuses to open his eyes.

Today as we walked out of the gym, he clutched his beloved Dixie cup of goldfish, the kind of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers from Costco that they give out at the gym that taste so much better than the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers from Costco that I have at home. The sun was on and so was Magoo’s self-induced blindness. After a few steps he tripped over an air pocket or more likely a sunbeam and fell flat on his face where he lay immobile except for his pouring tears and quivering lip. I ran over.

Me: Are you okay, buddy? Where does it hurt?

Magoo: My… my… my… MY WISHIES!!!!!

Laylee: It’s too late buddy. They’re all covered in GERMS!

Me [picking the crackers up off the concrete and dusting them on my stretch pants]: Nope. I think we caught them just in time. Look. These wishies are perfect!

Magoo [pointing to the last goldfish, lying under a car tire]: But I want THAT ONE!!!!

Me [hesitating and looking at Laylee’s raised eyebrows]: Uhhh… I think that one’s all covered in germs.

He clutched my hand and his rescued wishies and hobbled to the car sniffling and catching his breath. Oh the HUMANITY.

Then this evening we headed out to the grocery store, Laylee dressed in a lovely sheer pink flowing dance skirt over stretch pants a different shade of pink and a floral shirt in yet another shade of the beloved color. She topped this ensemble off with a pink parka, pink light up shoes and she’s never looked lovelier.

As we were headed into the store, she tripped on her skirt in the center of the driving lane of the parking lot, went down on her knee and started wailing like a banshee who’s just banged her knee on the pavement and is now screaming about it while blowing an air horn. I tried to calm her but she would not be calmed. I tried to stand her up but her legs were like limp painfully-loud noodles. I tried to carry her but I was holding a purse and my cloth grocery bags (did I mention I’m helping Al Gore save the planet?) and Magoo’s hand and she’s too darn heavy. And the screaming. So I did the only thing I could think of, which was to attempt to frighten her.

“Laylee get up! We’re right in the middle of the road and some car’s gonna come along and smash us flat if we don’t move!”

At which point she made no reaction at all but Magoo, well Magoo crumpled into a heap on the ground, dropped his lower lip farther than it had any business being dropped and joined in bawling a minor third below Laylee’s remarkable bellow. Tears were streaming down his face as he choked out, “I NO WANNA GET SMOOSHED!” He would not budge.

So I tried to pick them both up, failed miserably and then did the only thing I could do, knelt down right there, dropped my purse, stroked their hair, looked for cars and laughed my guts out. Literally. I no longer have any guts.

It’s okay that I don’t have the strength to shower because I’ve also lost my sense of smell.

It’s okay that I don’t have the strength to work out because all food has lost its appeal for me.

It’s okay that I’m totally breaking out because I have a nice red nose to match the nice red dots all over my face.

We were driving by the animal hospital the other day when Laylee pointed excitedly, “Look mom. Look. That’s the vegetarian. If JackAgain is ever sick, we’ve GOTTA take him to the vegetarian!”

It seems reasonable. They’d probably get along okay, seeing as they have similar dietary restrictions.

This morning I woke up with a killer sore throat, a scratchy-eared, phlegm-rattling, too-tender-for-toast sore throat. And I’m wondering. Should I go to the carnivore or would an omnivore be okay? I did eat a salad with my chicken last night.

They’re dead, all dead. I left them for 2 weeks in a cold house with no food source and now they’re gone, gone for good. It was an intentional mass gnat-ocide but I find that I’m strangely lonely for the pitter patter of their little wings, for the way they would lovingly nuzzle up against my hair or my teeth as I walked through the kitchen. Here’s to the memories. They’re all I have left.

Friday night my home and the homes of several of my friends were turned into blanket factories. An initiative called Operation Blankie has been started to get warm soft blankets to every elementary-aged child who was displaced by the flood. I sent out an email asking for fabric, machines and time to be donated and within 24 hours we had a dozen flannel and fleece blankets packed up and ready to go. I was so glad to finally have a justification for all the fabric I’ve been hording. I’m sure Dan’s happy that I bought so much when it was on sale for $1/yard.

Thank you to everyone who donated money to help with flood relief. I know that many of you donated through the Red Cross and the United Way. Nearly 60 of you also sent money directly to me which I used to purchase a few specific items for people in need and so far $1800 in Home Depot gift certificates, K-Mart gift certificates, and Visa gift cards. I took them down this weekend.

On Saturday Dan and I had the best date ever, a full day rolling around in the mud in small town Washington. A friend volunteered to take both kids for 12 hours so Dan and I could drive down and work. Dan’s usually quite the dainty computer guy so it was fun to see him get down with his dirty side.

We spent most of the day removing belongings from an older man’s basement. The entire basement had been filled and a couple of feet into the main floor. Years of antiques, tools, documents and photos were damaged, some beyond recognition.

Luckily the fabulous Mary had emailed me offering to volunteer her time to clean and restore photos damaged in the flood. She was already working on some from a family Dan had helped the week before and she kindly took Bob’s stack of WWII photos and wedding pictures. This project will likely take her hours… weeks… months to complete.

Watching everyone jump in to help these strangers has given me spirit, real Christmas spirit for the first time in years. I have cried more than I’d like to admit as I’ve received donations and offers of time and skills.

I honestly sort of fell into this project and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done because it’s involved a small amount of effort from me and the huge reward of sitting back and watching people exercise compassion. Thank you so much for giving me this gift.

If you’d still like to donate, please consider sending money to the Red Cross or the United Way who continues to provide support and relief from their temporary headquarters in Chehalis.

I have a new post up at Parenting. You can read it if you like.