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For Dan’s 30th birthday I trashed his office like so:

and I bought him this shirt after following an ad on g-mail for funny shirts. Yes, Google advertising executives, some people actually click through and purchase. Their name is Me.

The more I look at the shirt the more I realize that I don’t verbalize pictographic representations of transitive verbs nearly enough. I’ll try to do it more. Hence the title of this post.

One thing I didn’t realize about my blog was that it is a place where people go to look for security devices. Heck. You probably come here each day looking for tasers, pepper spray and personal alarms and I’ve left you with nothing, nothing but stories about my stupid kids and my pointless life. But now, thanks to the following email I’ve found a new direction for my blog: all security device information, all the time. I sure as cheese want to give my readers “what they’re looking for.” Hi Mom! I hope you like the new focus of my blog!

Good Day,

I was just looking at your site, and I have a number of clients within our network looking for stun guns and security devices. I am seeking to work with one company today. I do not work as a lead broker or a referral agency.

I’m simply looking to direct my clients to a relevant site when they’re looking for security devices.

Your site looks like it’ll make a strong fit for what they’re looking for. I am looking to work with somebody as soon as possible, so I’m hoping you are available to talk at sometime. Give me a call at your convenience.

Thanks in advance,
Name Witheld for Purposes of WHAT THE CHICKEN!?

He then included a phone number with a California OC area code. I don’t want to call him though until I post some more relevant information on the site. I mean, he says I’m already a strong fit but I want to be Hefty Cinch Sack strong. So here goes:

After missing his nap this afternoon, Magoo’s condition began to deteriorate quickly. He started to whine and cry and eventually squeezed his eyes shut tight, threw his head back and began to wail like a wookie as he stumbled around the room slamming into things and harming himself.

I bet he would have been easily distracted by target shooting in the backyard or subduing pill bugs with a stun gun, but I had forgotten to stop by my local security device shopping outlet to pick up the necessary supplies.

The local security device shopping outlet would also be a great place to pick up tasers, mace, nunchucks, brass knuckles, and other security devices. Check it out!

You can get hearing aids with zebra stripes these days or leopard print. Laylee’s got her heart set on a dainty set with pink flowers. They’re small like her ears and hopefully won’t fall out when she’s running around the back yard or playing tag at school.

I told her they’re like glasses for her ears, that even though she can hear fine now, she’ll have SUPER-HERO ear power when she gets her new ear jewelry. I told her she was lucky to get them. I didn’t tell her it was no big deal because telling her that implies that her hearing loss might be a big deal and I never want her to think that. But it’s sure a big deal to me in this moment.

This morning I drove her to a hearing and speech clinic to have her ears checked. We’ve noticed some problems and the more I’ve looked the more problems I’ve noticed. I tried to tell myself I was imagining things. It took some coaxing from my next door neighbor before I took her in to get tested.

Her preschool report card listed her as advanced in nearly every way. The only areas where she was “satisfactory” were things like “needs repeated teacher directions,” “displays listening skills” and “easily distracted,” things that could be easily explained if she were having trouble hearing. I can stand behind her and talk about ice cream in a loud whisper and she has no idea I’m saying anything. When I call to her from a distance, it seems like she’s ignoring me.

The doctor put a camera in her ears and projected the image on a large monitor. Aside from a stray “ear whack” or two, they looked lovely. He said there was no damage from the gazillion ear infections she’s had. Good news.

Then into the booth we went. The doctor said I could stay with her if Magoo and I could stay quiet. Ahem. Yeah. So we stayed in the booth for a few… seconds before he came back in. For some reason Magoo’s constant seemingly-involuntary whispers ruined the effect of the sound-proof booth and we were kindly asked to leave. Laylee was nervous to be alone but she hung in like a trooper while we waited in the lobby for some news. Magoo asked me to read star dating news to him from an old People Magazine. Before we even found out if John-ifer would live happily ever after, the doctor came back and took us into an exam room.

He was sweet and had a good bedside manner but he also spends all day doing this and seemed very casual about the news he delivered. She has some hearing loss which makes it impossible to hear certain frequencies at certain volumes. What she’s missing are consonants so what she hears when someone talks softly or from far away is a jumble of vowels that mean nothing to her.

“Is it something she’ll outgrow?”

“Oh no. It’s permanent…. [something about hearing aids.]”

“Was it caused by her ear infections?”

“No… [something about nerves being dead and a special microphone her teacher will need to use when she starts kindergarten next year.]”

“Um…”

“With these diagnoses, we always recommend a second opinion so you can schedule that at the same time as your hearing aid consultation.”

Because I am the best mom in the world, I was able to freeze my face into a grin to avoid squeezing anything near the eye area, which would likely have let forth the blast of weepage building in my throat. I stayed cool and Laylee was unaffected by the news, possibly because she did not hear the news.

So the new hearing aids do look cool… for hearing aids… but I’m conflicted. They’re not really like glasses, not completely. You do not see kids all over with hearing aids the way you do with glasses. I want to ask the doctor if Laylee has to wear them all the time and I picture him responding, “Um… only when she wants to hear well.” Even wanting to ask that question makes me feel like a bad mom, too concerned with appearances like the mean aunt on Anne of Avonlea who never lets her niece wear those “ridiculous spectacles” even though she’s practically blind without them.

Of course I want her to hear well but I don’t want her to feel self-conscious. It will shred my heart if I have to watch her confidence wither, to realize there’s something different about her and start to think it’s a bad thing. I will not allow it.

I have so many questions I was too shocked to think to ask until after I left the office. Is it degenerative? Will she continue to lose hearing? Are there any other options for treatment? What COULD have caused this if it wasn’t the ear infections? All afternoon my brain has conjured up images of loud concerts we’ve attended, fireworks displays, times she put on my head phones with the sound turned all the way up. How could I have protected her better?

I keep thinking of times I scolded her for not paying attention or coming when I called her. I want to squeeze her and never let go, to buy her ridiculous things we don’t have the money for that wouldn’t help anything. I feel guilty for joking around in this post, a post which seems cruel and in horribly poor taste at this point.

But at least the doctor seems to think I’m a good mom. He said he was impressed that we were paying close enough attention to catch it. This type of hearing loss can often be misunderstood as a lack of attention or inability to listen to instructions.

I really am glad we did and that we can help Laylee to be more successful. I’m grateful that we have the means and the technology to help fix what’s broken. I just always wish my children would have perfect lives or at least that I could choose their trials. Maybe Magoo could have a mean friend in 2nd grade who taunts him for a couple of weeks to teach him humility and then moves to Siberia so Magoo can get on with his life. For Laylee I might wish bad hair or an inability to learn the Cha-Cha well enough to compete on an international level.

Lately Magoo bawls his brains out every night because he’s scared of the lamp-shadow-turned-ghost that hangs out in his room on the wall directly behind the lamp. And this is sad because he needs his brains. They are small and developing and if he bawls many more of them out, he’ll be in bad trouble. He really is a simple little melon-head that one. From my limited experience, he’s quite intelligent for a 3-year-old but that really ain’t sayin’ much. He’s a little vague and requires an incredible amount of “reminding” to accomplish things like walking in a straight line to the dinner table.

When Magoo cries about the ghosts in his room, he says, “Mom! I’m Scary!”

I try not to laugh because in his current phase of life he IS a little scary. He’s mostly a-freaking-dorable but partially a bit scary.

Tonight when Dan told me that Magoo had cried at bedtime about the ghost, I asked him if he thinks Magoo’s actually seeing dead people.

He does not.

Come let us gather round the lovely new clothes washing machine.

There’s a great giveaway for people in the Portland/Seattle area over at SeattleMomBlogs.com.

We’re having too much fun to blog, what with the heart-shaped balloons, hand holding and whatnot.

This afternoon Laylee began a parental love affair with a roly poly pill bug she found under a log in the back yard. She “saved” him, brought him tenderly inside and showed me how CUTE he was. Ay, Lassie. He was the cutest roly poly that ever I did see.

She carried him around all afternoon, chattering away to him, singing and teaching him tricks. They played games, wherein she chased him across the carpet with a plastic cup trying to capture him. If he ended up under the cup, she won. If he made it out before the cup came down, he won. I think that if the cup came down and he was half-way in and halfway out, everyone would have lost but luckily that didn’t happen.

She told me she was training him. Apparently he would stop when she yelled “stop” and go when she yelled “go.” He was obedient because she loved him and she yelled because he had small ears. She told me that he was her best friend.

At some point in the afternoon her yelling became louder as she frantically searched the family room looking for her crawly friend. “Roly Poly! I love you! Where are you?”

He was nowhere to be found. As she cried, she told me that she had last seen him in the small plastic car she was giving him a ride in. She’d left the room for just a moment and when she came back he was gone. I hobbled around on my crutches and helped her search but apparently did not show adequate emotion and she cried in despair and said, “MOM! I’m as sad from losing him as you’d be if you lost me.”

I told her that I didn’t think that was the case but I knew she really loved him and then I had a brilliant idea, “I bet I know where he is. I bet he wanted to get back to his home. You should go out and look in that rotting log where you originally found him and I bet he’s right back there, hanging out with his friends.”

Apparently she’d disturbed the log to the point that he and all his friends had gone into hiding but I feel confident that they’ll be back and she can reclaim her baby… or another one just like him, a deaf little ball of slime that’s very obedient to 5-year-olds and loves riding around in plastic cars. In the meantime, I’ll be looking very carefully inside my shoes before I step inside them.

Icannotstaywell! Icannotstaywell! If my body is cooperating and healing from my many seasonal plagues, I must sabotage it in some way. Today was a MODEL day. I drove Dan to work and Laylee to preschool. I watched two of my friends’ kids while baking bread and starting some seeds sprouting. I cleaned my kitchen, did some laundry and spent a couple of hours working in my garden.

I barely even took a minute to IM Dan and brag about my great goodliness as a domestic diva.

When my arm muscles were completely finished gardening, I decided to mow the lawn or at least pull the starter cord on the mower a few times until I flooded the engine so I could tell Dan I’d tried. In order to mow the lawn, I needed to harvest it for plastic toys and move the giant yard waste bin around to the front of the house.

No problem. I employed my little slaves doing the harvest and started lugging the 100lb+ yard waste container out of the way. Half way around the house it jumped on a rock as I yanked it forward and came down hard on my Achilles tendon. My word! The PAIN!

It bruised and swelled up and I had to send Laylee next door to ask my neighbor to help me into the house. While Neighbor1 was homeopathing me and helping me make a doctor’s appointment, Neighbor2 dropped everything and ran over to watch the kids so Neighbor1 could drive me to the doctor. Neighbor1 bought me ice cream on the way back from the doctor and picked up some pizza so my kids wouldn’t starve. Don’t you want to come live on my block?! These ladies are out of control awesome.

Long story short — I’m on crutches and unable to put any weight on my left foot. Well, right now I’m sitting on the couch with my laptop keeping me warm and my foot elevated but I have to use the crutches to get around if I so choose.

Honestly, the most annoying thing is not the pain or the fact that I’m slow getting around. The most annoying thing is that I can’t pick up anything and carry it with me. I’m a major CAYGer (Clean as You Go) and I’m used to always walking from one room to the next with an item to put away. Not today. Tonight I tidied up the toys by crawling and scooting around on the floor while nagging my children. They were actually quite sweet and helpful to me all day, kisses for my foot, purple pansies decorating my shoes.

Any tips for getting around better with crutches or being able to carry things at the same time, besides in my mouth? I’m finding that certain of my belongings do not lend themselves well to being transported orally.

It’s here and you can celebrate with me for three reasons. First, we get to save the planet today like Batman or Super Why. Second, there is still a ton of free stuff up for grabs over at Seattle Mom Blogs for anyone in the US to win. Third, today is the last day I’ll be talking about green things for a while. After today I will go back to blogging my kids’ vomit and my adventures in parking.

It seems like for every good thing I’m doing, there are ten more things I feel like I should be doing and then half the good things I’m doing turn out to be not as good as I thought they were. I think I’ve taught Laylee pretty well just to do her best and that her best is good enough for me. I guess my best should be good enough for me too. Here are a few things I’m focusing on this year.

1. Buying more whole foods and cooking from scratch, organic when the price is affordable. I can afford more organic if I plan carefully and don’t let produce rot as much. I frequently end up throwing away food because I over-buy or under-eat the good stuff. When I can’t buy organic (which is more than half the time), I wash produce carefully in diluted vinegar to remove surface pesticides and other contamination.

2. Buying more gifts from local artists and craftspeople instead of stockpiling sale gifts I may or may not WANT to give from my gift drawer when occasions arise.

3. Buying less of everything and being mindful of where things come from. I plan to do more with freecycle, eBay and Good Will this year and shop at one of the many antique stores in my area.

4. Figuring out what to do with my composter so I can build my very own useful landfill in the back yard for the benefit of my garden.

5. Growing a successful container garden that actually lives long enough to produce something edible.

6. Remembering my reusable grocery sacks at least half the time.

7. Turning off the water while I’m brushing my teeth.

8. Finding a way to wean off bleach by 2010.

9. Buying at least one fair trade item this year and research my favorite companies to see which of them have responsible business practices and treat their production employees well.

10. Walking to the library instead of driving. Teaching the kids to think it’s fun that we’re walking to the library instead of driving.

12. Turning the heater down 2 degrees next winter.

11. Buying thousands of hamsters to run in little wheels that will power my computer for blogging purposes.

If you’re interested in getting a free copy of Gorgeously Green (which I highly recommend), I now have 4 copies to give away at SMB.com. There are also gDiapers, Klutter Katchers, Belli Facial Care, and Method Baby products. Today’s the last day to put your name in the running.

I’m feeling a bit better today, one million supplements later and a trip to the naturopath that scored me a prescription for antibiotics — ear infection. I didn’t even know grownups could get ear infections, nor did I expect to be put on antibiotics by my uber-natural naturopath but I suppose I need them so there you go.

My post today at Parenting is about my sickness and woes and how the kids are dealing with it. They’re actually dealing quite well. I applaud their bouce-backishness. I’m bouncing back too, thanks to a little help from someone I’ll hereafter refer to as The Pregnant Cleaning Lady. I call her this only because she is pregnant and a cleaning lady.

Stephanie told me that a friend of hers was having a rough time and really needed work cleaning houses. I’ve never hired anyone to clean my house but I wanted to help her out and I guess I’ve been wanting to help her out subconsciously for weeks now because between the road trip and the plagues, it’s been far too long since my house has come in contact with a cleanly hand.

Enter pregnant cleaning lady. It was a strange sort of feeling to hire a woman in her late second trimester to clean my house. I knew she needed the work and I knew I needed help but it was very strange and guilt-inducing to have someone in that state scrubbin’ away at the mess I’d built up because I had a case of the sniffles (and an earache people, let’s not forget the ear ache… and the fever… and the sore throat… and the chapped lips… and the adult acne.) But even with all my infirmities, it still felt wrong to have a pregnant person cleaning my house. If she’s pregnant, she probably has all those infirmities and many many more and they’re all normal because, you know, she’s pregnant.

So I showed her where my supplies were and gave her strict instructions not to bend much or pick up anything too heavy or do anything that made her the least bit uncomfortable. Then I headed to Costco with the kids. When I came home, it was like a fairy godmother of joy had vomited pixie dust all over my house. The entire main floor was spotless. In 2.5 hours she had cleaned my kitchen and dining room from top to bottom, including buffing things that are supposed to be shiny but never are, scrubbed the bathroom, dusted, vacuumed, washed windows and straightened up everything.

Now as I blog in my immaculate house, what earlier today felt so wrong is starting to feel so very very right and addictive. If only I had the money to do this every week. My word, it would be fantastic.

Lots of fun is happening at Seattle Mom Blogs this weekend. We currently have a book giveaway and a great set of organizing bags for kids’ toys. In the next few days we’ll be giving away gDiapers, Method products, luxurious pregnancy-friendly Belli facial care items and more. Keep checking it.

Also, my lovely friend and neighbor the homeopath has made her blogging debut in honor of Earth Day. If you have a moment, please go give her some comment love.