Technology

My mom’s fridge is all aflutter with blog fodder.

I have been a longtime user of what Laylee likes to call “One-A sauce.” I usually shake it before using. After reading this warning, I think I’ll take the job more seriously. And maybe employ a soundtrack to get me in the mood.

I’m thinking of trading my fridge for this bad boy. Can you believe that it contains a CONVERTIBLE DRAWER?! I know. I couldn’t believe it either but there it is in plain blue writing. Pictured here is not only a fabulous vegetable drawer but with the proper tools, you could convert it and fill it with tasty deli meats.

Or if you’re my mom, you can buck the system and just jam it full of a bushel of oranges. The versatility is practically limitless.

Man, I love signage.

the reasons: video messages from Dan, chocolate cupcakes, sisters

I am a loser. I lose things. Small things, large things. It doesn’t matter. I can frequently be found asking people if they’ve seen my keys, my phone, my van, my mind.

I can keep track of most anything on my Palm. So maybe I should write down the location of all my important items at any given time in my PDA. Then I’d just have to find that and I’d have the map to unlock my own personal universe of misplaced somethings.

On really bad days, days when my massive diaper bag masquerading as a purse eats all that is dear to me, I dream of a magic long range clapper-finder that will respond when I clap and tell me where the desired item is hiding. I guess I’d need a different clap for each item or maybe a whistle, ala Captain Von Trapp.

My cell phone has the most amazing uber-long-range clapper-whistler-finder built right in. Each night and often several times a day, I just call my own phone and follow the ringer. I even occasionally do this when I KNOW it’s somewhere in the deep recesses of my purse but I still can’t find it. It lights up when it rings, you know, and I can hear it echoing up from beneath the many crayons, tampons and electronic devices.

Well, we found out last night that its finder range extends at least 15 miles from my house. This is the longest distance we’ve achieved in our testing to date and the results are very promising.

It was 11:00pm. I called my phone. Here, girl. Here, girl. Come to mama. I will charge you, little cell phone. Come heeerrrreeee. Souuuuueeeeeee! Not a sound did she make. I walked out in the garage. Nothing. I went from room to room. Nada.

Suddenly someone answered, “Hello?”
Me: I must have the wrong number.
Woman: Maybe not. Do you know whose cell phone this is?
Me: Maybe mine. Is it smallish? Cute? Wearing tight leather pants with a see-through mid-section?
Woman: Yeah. You dropped it at Costco. It’s in the lost and found.
Me: Okay thanks.
Woman: It’s the Costco in —town.
Me: Thanks [Dude. How many Costco’s do you think I go to in a day?]

Although she practically called me a compulsive bulk shopper to my face…over the phone, I forgave her in my gratitude that Costco has someone babysitting lost and lonely cell phones in the middle of the night, waiting to help me out in my continued quest for scientific advancement.

And, truth be told, I was glad she told me which Costco. You see, Costcos like me – but only from a cautious distance. There are currently two Costcos holding their positions equidistant from my house and I very well could have forgotten which one I attended that afternoon. “Two Costcos stalking you?” you gasp. That’s nothing. I once had three Costco’s arrange themselves in a triangular pattern, each 25 minutes from my house in opposite directions. They’re really quite remarkable creatures.

reasons: Magoo running to the laundry room with his arms outstretched to catch the dust flying from the lint trap as I change loads

New House = New Address = Address Changes

Credit Card Recording: Para español, oprima número dos (that’s what I heard anyway)
Me [oprima-ing nothing]
CCR: Hello. Welcome to Credit Card Central. I now have the ability to understand your vocal commands.
Me: Hm.
CCR: I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that. I’ll try that again. Please choose from the following menu options. To cancel your credit card, say “cancel.” To change your account information, say “change account.”
Me: Change account.
CCR: You’d like to change your account information? Okay.
Magoo [blowing into cardboard tube]: OOOwwwwoooooooooooooo
CCR: I’m sorry. I didn’t understand. Please select one of the following-
Laylee: Isn’t that chicken hat HILARIOUS??!!
CCR: I’m sorry. I didn’t understand. Please sel-
Magoo [blamming his head]: AAAHHHH. Waahhhhh!!!!
CCR: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble understanding you. Please-
Laylee [clapping her hands loudly right next to my head]
CCR: I’m sorry. I didn’t —
Magoo [opening the dvd player and attempting to snap the tray off]: Abagabagwakkawakkablabala aaaaooooooo
CCR: I’ll get someone to help you.

Thanks. I’d like that. Can she cook? Change diapers? Explain why Doc is the only “dwar-av” whose name is not an adjective?