Drops of Awesome

Dan recently went to an allergist who injected him all over with various substances and wrote on him with permanent marker. Much to my chagrin, a spot on his arm swelled up to the size of a small grapefruit, which did not to my surprise indicate that he is allergic to grapefruit but rather grass pollen. Seriously doctors are all quacks. They wouldn’t even investigate the grapefruit theory and I promise you his arm looked nothing like grass or pollen, but then, I’m no expert.

So my first question, considering the state of our lawn and the fact that I’m worried I may lose one of our children in there, …

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This lovely day we head outside to play
Our yard is not the flattest one around
Rain water’s always getting in the way
It maketh puddles in which fun is found

Laylee pours mud all over on her head
Her brother joins the fun with shovel splash
He only follows her where he is led
But when he does her eyes with anger flash

A speck of mud administered from him
Is like a drop of acid burning deep
She must punish him for his thoughtless whim
With thrashing blows, she douses him and weeps

Poor little buddy doesn’t stand a chance
And heartless mom exploits his circumstance

What is the one magazine you can’t live without?

Does it have the same person on the cover Every. Single. Month?

Is there always a story of a woman who lost 600 lbs in 40 days?

Does it keep you up to date on the latest alien abductions and secret societies of pig-nosed babies living in the Midwest?

When you finish reading it, are you tempted to go to a flea market and spend $300 buying an antique butter churn to use as a nightstand?

Does it make you want to be a better mom or leave you bashing your head against the wall in shame because you haven’t started teaching your 6 month old how to play the violin yet?

What are you reading and why?

Shortly after midnight this morning, I told Dan I was pregnant and that he had a huge spider on his back. APRIL FOOLS! He didn’t fall for it. I began laughing so hard I “bawled my eyeballs out” (as Laylee would say) and rolled around on the bed cackling. I told Dan I was crying. He said, “Sad crying?” …

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Today I offer you some time-honored bits of advice that have served me well in my life. I hope they work for you and if you have some of your own, feel free to share.

1. If none of the boys are worth dating, don’t date em. If none of the food in the house is worth eating, don’t mindlessly stuff your face. If none of your kids are not having a fit of angry bovine proportions, don’t take them shopping.

2. When someone is waking up with a clean pull-up after every nap but the pull-ups are still disappearing from the drawer at a steady rate and you start to notice a strange smell in the family room, check under the crack in the slipcover before the acidic pee of death and destruction claims your couch as its final resting place.

3. Never engage in a fight with your spouse if he is still asleep.

4. When your grocery store checker asks you how things are going, don’t really tell her. Do compliment her on the gold star on her nametag and feel free to make faces behind any irate customer who may be harassing her.

5. If you grow tired of feeding your fish, leave him alone with your husband for two weeks. They will bond and begin speaking to each other in the language of fishy bachelorhoodic solidarity. Your husband will teach the fish tricks and develop a tender feeding routine. You will never need to feed or cuddle your his fish again.

6. Don’t purchase any item of clothing that you don’t feel good about dousing with poop, shredding with craft scissors, rolling in mud, scraping with sand paper, throwing into a vat of chunky yellow vomit, dipping in lighter fluid and then incinerating with a blow-torch. You can postpone taking this advice until you’re ready to start having children.

6. Don’t eat the pigs feet.

We’re having some guests this Friday so I spent 6 hours on Saturday slogging through the mud in my new rain boots finding worms and pulling the hamstrings in both my legs, a little thing I like to call “yard work.” There is probably at least one worm for every blade of grass in my yard and at least 2 weeds for every worm. We like it wild.

When I went to buy rain boots, I saw some flowers that asked me to please bring them home, which I did. As I was planting them, I found several other half-chewed bulbs lying around the yard. CURSE YOU BAMBI-DEER!

I didn’t plant any of the flowers in my yard last year so I didn’t miss the ones the deer et. I’ve actually been looking around in awe, never knowing what will pop up next.

It’s fun to move into someone else’s landscaping… and scary. Under the tree stump out front is a hollow space. In the hollow space is a mushroom, a giant rock and then a deep cavernous void of slime. I did not reach my hand in there but have spent several minutes imagining what kind of creature could be hibernating under a tree stump in my yard and whether it’s hungry for little boys named Magoo who will most likely try to pull it from its lair by the eyelashes the moment I turn my back.

I bought a power washer. I wash things. Powerfully. I wash moss off my deck, paint off my railing, crud off my driveway, dirt off my flower petals, and petals off my flowers. You should try it some time.