Drops of Awesome

Today I found broken glass, a rusty screwdriver, a board with protruding nails and a large leg bone* behind the bamboo in our backyard. It took a few minutes for the creepy music to die down and then I calmed myself with the thought that someone in the neighborhood would have told me if a 3-foot-tall, weight-lifting midget had been murdered in my back yard. Now I’m wondering if Mother Hubbard is taking donations.

A few nights ago I dared Dan to call Korea and he said, “I don’t even know how to call Korea.”

So I googled “CALL KOREA” and voila, he had no choice. Heads up — server administrators in Korea who are hosting illegal phishing websites will pretend not to speak English. And then they will hang up on you, even if you’re the cutest boy. But it will be okay because your wife will still be proud of you for taking a dare and trying to save the world.

Today Laylee told Grammy that when Uncle Adam’s baby is born, we’ll know whether or not it’s a girl because if it’s a girl, it’ll wear a dress to church. Duh! I say we just abolish ultrasounds as a means of determining gender and we certainly won’t be needing THESE THINGS.

Dan let the kids drink the “corn water” from the Niblets can. This is apparently a delicacy in some households.

Being both a geek and a mom, I helped build a bridge.

Magoo colored his face with an orange marker.

Laylee held a worm with gloves on. (Laylee wore the gloves. The worm didn’t have any hands.)

Oprah made me cry.

Eve made me lunch.

You can fit 4 snails into the pocket of a pair of 4T capri pants. Coincidence? I think not.

*Updated – Dan thought I should mention that I took the bone picture late at night with my camera flash. My back yard is huge and unlit so I stumbled along the fence in my crocks, taking a picture every few feet and checking to see if I’d captured the body part yet. It only took me 4 tries to get this fabulous shot. And I didn’t even step on any rusty nails in the process.

Have you ever thrown a baby? Me neither, but my cousins do it all the time at family reunions and it freaks me out. I have thrown multiple baby showers so a friend who’s about to throw their first shower recently asked me for help and ideas.

So, here are the basic steps of a shower:

1. Compile a guest list — Invite people you and the mother-to-be will actually enjoy spending time with. I honestly don’t think the promise of more gifts is worth inviting the annoying coworker who spends a good portion of her time making fat jokes behind your pregnant friend’s back and taking bites out of her sandwich in the lunchroom. If the shower is not a surprise, definitely get the list directly from the showeree.

2. Pick a date — Call the most important guests in advance and find a date when you’re sure they’ll be able to come. I’ve had to reschedule showers in the past because we planned everything, invited the guests and NO ONE could make it on that date. Ask around first.

3. Choose a location — Personally if I’m hosting a shower, I like to do it at my home, as long as the guest list is small enough. I don’t believe you should ever have to pay for the location to host a baby shower. If your guest list is truly huge, make friends with a millionaire and host it at their house.

4. Invite guests — I’ve done everything from hand-delivered homemade cards to mailed invitations to e-vites. Personally I like the mailed invitations the best. It’s just fun to get some good mail every once in a while. It’s also a fun keepsake for the baby book. In addition, I like to send out an evite as a reminder and to keep track of RSVPs.

5. Plan some activities — There’s a big debate in the baby shower world over games, activities and favors. You’re not in on this hotbed of violent discussion? Count yourself lucky. I’ve been to showers with no fewer than 10 games, showers where the game-nazi host literally yells at everyone to stop talking every time some spontaneous fun is initiated because it’s time to start the next game. This gets obnoxious. I tend to be of the “less is more” camp when it comes to planning every second of the shower.

A game or two really does help to break the ice, especially when you’ve got a group of people who don’t know each other very well. Have a couple of emergency activities up your sleeve in case the conversation doesn’t seem to be going well, but if people are having fun on their own, let em go and don’t be offended that you didn’t make it through your whole agenda.

As for party favors, I could take them or leave them but I do think there should be little presents for the winners if you have a game. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

6. Organize food — Regardless of what time of day you have the shower, you’re gonna need to feed these ladies. Your choices range anywhere from a bowl of dried prunes thrown out on the table (very good for regularity) to a full catered meal. I tend to opt for small finger foods, something sweet (Mini brownie bites with a dab of whip cream and a raspberry on top are nice.), something salty (I tend to go with a fabulous and easy crustless quiche recipe I have that’s always a hit.), some fruit (A fruit tray can be really spiced up with a nice dip. One of the best dips I know is just a small jar of marshmallow cream whipped with a tub of strawberry cream cheese. Delicious!), and maybe a veggie tray. If you plan to go the luncheon route, croissant sandwiches are always a good option combined with a simple salad and dessert. For drinks I nearly always go all out and add sliced lemon to ice water. (I know. Oooo and Awww!)

7. Get Decorations — Now again, I say go easy. My favorite baby shower decoration is a rope with cute little baby clothes clipped on with clothespins. Place this across the mantle or some other prominent place, put a few bunches of helium balloons in strategic places and a simple tablecloth on the table and you’re good. If you want to go the extra mile, buy a bouquet of brightly colored fresh flowers to put on the food table, along with some white candles. You can use really inexpensive white plates, napkins and cutlery, no need to get all cutesy with the baby-face-engraved Chinette.

8. Party Party Party

Lastly I’d like to share a couple of games that can be fun.

-One of my favorites may be sick and wrong if you think too hard about it but it’s always been a hit. You buy tiny plastic babies from a party supply store and then freeze them in ice cubes. Once everyone’s arrived, explain that whoever’s baby is “born”/unfrozen first, wins the game. This game’s fun because everyone’s getting to know each other while holding their drink and keeping an eye on their baby. Very low maintenance.

-There’s the old standard strip-jars-of-baby-food-naked-and-try-to-guess-what-flavor-they-are game. This has many variations where you can allow the guests to smell, touch or even taste the food. I have found no sanitary or pleasant way to do this last version so I’d advise against it.

-Hand out a quiz as guests are coming in with multiple choice questions about the pregnancy, possible names for the baby and other interesting facts about the mom and baby to be. Whoever gets the most answers right wins. I like to put at least one totally ridiculous answer with each question. People chuckle over it and it gets them talking as they fill in their answers.

Be sure to have someone record the gifts and who they all came from so your guest of honor can write thank you notes.

I’d love your input. What makes a good shower? Do you have any memorable baby shower activities or experiences you’d like to share?

I translate things. Both the little jubs are experimenting with language.

Laylee likes to make up words and then tell me that they are Spanish for “I want a cheese stick” or “Where’s the rubber chicken?” She’ll say, “Spanish for shoes is sav-wato or also peek-oo-lee-toe.” I nod and smile. Sometimes I thank her for the lesson and sometimes I respond with some “Spanish” of my own.

Magoo speaks in a language all his own. It has lots of consonants strung together by grunts and its structure is repetitive in nature. You know how dumb English speakers will sometimes yell at some poor non-English speaker very slowly, hoping that the sheer volume and flying spit of their words will trip something in the person’s brain and they’ll suddenly be blessed with the gift of tongues?

Well, Magoo’s kind of like those people, except he gets progressively faster in his repetition, rather than slower. “Ma-pallow, Ma-pallow, Ma-pallow, Ma-pallow, Ma-pallow, Ma-pallow, Ma-pallow, Ma-pallow, MA-PALLOOOOOOWWWW!!!”

He will not switch to a new word until I have successful guessed the current word. All I have to do is figure out that he is saying “marshmallow,” tell him “no,” comfort him as he buries his face in his hands and howls and he’s good to go.

Another fun game of repetitively seeking to be understood is “WOOK.” This game is played by pointing into the back yard, a crowded room, or a large mound of miscellaneous garbage at the dump and yelling “WOOK, WOOK, WOOK!” while vaguely waving your finger at one specific item the size of a dust mite.

To win this game, the parent needs to identify the object, state its name, show an unreal amount of enthusiasm for said object or simply hit herself over the head with a mallet, forcing buddy Magoo to run off seeking a new, un-limp playmate.