Drops of Awesome

Mine screams “THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT PUNK!”

I claim the land. They reclaim it. I install patio lights (or Dan installs them but the blog’s about me and they were my idea so I’ll say I install them) and the kids sprinkle tiny sand mounds on the solar panels of each one.

Sometimes they run into the patio lights with their tractors and trikes until they lean over to one side.

One by one the rocks along our pathway are changing colors. I think they’re evolving to blend in with the surrounding plastic play equipment, buckets and general hookie-loo lying around.

This gnome makes me happy because it reminds me of Magoo, just not quite as fast or loud. Sometimes when I’m counting off to make sure all 2 of my children are accounted for, my tally gets messed up by his presence amidst the ivy.

The other day I was sitting on the lawn when Laylee came up behind me and said, “Mom look!” I made the mistake of looking. I turned my head to find her holding a severed rotting bird head by the beak just inches from my face.

I screamed. She laughed. Magoo became fascinated with the rest of the birdy’s remainders and all of its buggy friends.

In most yards, a dead rotting bird head would be considered a bad thing. Around here, it’s a barrel of maggoty good times.

Sometimes I’m glad that my sister and good friend are willing to drive for eleventy billion hours to come visit me this whole week.

Sometimes I’m glad to have grownup ladies with me everywhere I go for a few days. It allows me some wiggle room on the whole “mature responsible mom” thing. These grownups sometimes wash my dishes, feed my kids and play games with me. I’d like to hire a grownup to live here full time and take care of us all. Grownup ladies are definitely worth having around.

Sometimes I’m glad that I don’t always have 6 kids under 5 living in my house. I can handle it for a week but SHEESH if I had a couple of sets of triplets I’d be a goner.

Sometimes I’m glad that in our culture, we can use “quotes” to make any statement “true”. Take these pitas for example.

Sometimes I’m glad that the kids go to the zoo just to ride on plastic horses who’ve been shish-kabobbed and bedazzled but then see real horses from the car window on the way home.

Mostly I’m glad that although Magoo’s nocturnal eyesight* is freakishly good, he doesn’t know enough about the miracle of life to ask questions. Strange things are happening in Seattle between an armadillo and a small white monkey. What will that baby look like, I wonder?

*It really is amazingly good. I think he could see the animals better in the dark than the light of day. Don’t worry. I frequently cook with garlic, carry a can of Coors with me at all times, and all of my stakes are made of wood.

This is what’s become of my kitchen counters. Is it sick that this sight fills me with glee? Don’t answer that. I have a kid, a real kid. No baby girls here no more.

Sure she still has a few mispronunciations. She says “baft-yobe” for “bathrobe” or “yobe” for short. She also does funny things with singular and plural. Recently she pulled an “ear-wack” out of her ear. There was only one and we all know “wax” is plural. Our friend Mr Burns is known to Laylee as “The Burn” because we say “The Burns” when we’re talking about the whole family.

Today The Burn went frolicking with Laylee in the fountains outside Megacorp. We had just stopped in to check the progress on the recently reinstalled grassy knoll around the undulating sculpture and to score some chocolate milk.

Laylee asked me if we could drive to the place where the sky and clouds come down and stick to the ground. I started to tell her there was no such place and explain how the horizon always keeps moving no matter how much closer you get to it. Then I stopped and told her I’d never been there and maybe we could go sometime together. I then decided to make my fortune writing greeting cards.

She said that next time we’re on an airplane we could ask “the man” if he would open the window. Then we could scoop up some of the clouds and put them on our laps. When I asked her what we would do with the clouds, she told me she would shove them in her bug house to make a soft bed for her snails.

In Old Navy, she started dancing spontaneously and looks well on her way to becoming quite a fine breaker:

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Today I told Jeana the reason I’m having trouble feeling the urge to blog lately and she said, “I could not be more surprised if you told me the reason you were in a slump was because you were spending so much time reading Kevin Federline’s blog.” Personally I find it interesting that Jeana knows about his blog and I would prefer that she referred to him more respectfully as K-Fed next time she decides she would like to “git” all up in my grill about him.

Later on I narrated the entire Nutcracker from memory so Laylee would know which character to dance like. I made soup for dinner, scored some free dining chairs, fed a snail, convinced Magoo that he prefers edamame to pizza, saved my Riverside Shakespeare from certain death, and asked a sales associate whether this was a “dress” or a skirt for members of the WNBA. Who knew they liked to shop at Old Navy?

My life is full.

”˜Tis the time of summer. Lots of people have birthdays in the summer. I think most of them are first or only children because after a mother’s had one third trimester during the hottest part of the year, she likely learns to… ahem… time things a little better the next time around.

Anywho, many of you are likely planning birthday parties for your small comrades and I think the rest of us should help you out. Today is a day of tips. I will describe 2 birthday parties and invite you to share your ideas too.

1. Faerie Mania — This was a spring party for us but I think it could have been even more funnerer in the summer. Laylee only invited 4 friends because she was turning 4 and also to limit the intake of stuff into our house. The girls were asked to come dressed up in faerie clothes (Princess attire would do in a pinch.). As they arrived, I put wings on those who were unwinged and took their pictures in front of this startlingly realistic woodland backdrop. I read them a book of faerie “FACTS” and crossed my fingers that their parents weren’t anti-Santa-Claus-ites who would take exception to their mythical indoctrination. Faeries are most likely to be found in forests or living in flowers. Each flower is home to a faerie. If you look really hard, you can see them. If you can’t see them, you’re not looking hard enough or are possibly a very naughty little girl who needs to stop picking on her little brother and start brushing her molars more vigorously.
We then printed out their faerie pictures, pasted them onto foam frames and let the girls decorate them with glitter. If the glitter got on their hands, clothes, or up their nostrils, we applauded them for their new improved glittery faerie-like appearances.

We hunted for “faerie money” which was actually stale chocolate coins with menorahs and Hebrew words on them, clearance priced as a post-Hanukah special. Luckily none of the girls could read Hebrew.

The girls planted faerie garden seeds in paper cups and used twigs and branches from the back yard to build small camouflaged houses for lazy faerie squatters to inhabit.

We made them curly ribbon crowns.

No gift bags were given but the girls went home with Hanukah coins, glittery self-portraits, cups of dirt, bundles of yard waste, gift wrapped noggins and imaginations filled with impossible stories. They rejoiced. The entire party cost $30 including food and very little prep time.

Click here for more great faerie party ideas.

2. Magoo’s Fantasy Fire Station Extravaganza — I like my new neighbors for many reasons but mostly because they invited us to their son’s birthday party this weekend and it almost made Magoo’s head explode… in a good way.

The theme was fire trucks.

The party began with a tour of the fire station, which contains FIRE TRUCKS!!!!!, FIRE BOATS, and MO MO FIRE TRUCKS!!!!!!

All the kids got cheap plastic fire hats, which Magoo held onto with both hands. This was smart thinking because it threatened to fall off every time he would get a glimpse of a MO MO FIRE TRUCK, gasp, tremble with maniacal ecstasy, and YELL.

The tour included a chance to walk through an ambulance and the cab of a fire engine. A fire fighter even put on all his gear and shook the kids’ hands while talking like Darth Vader through his helmet. Each child was given a station trading card with a picture of a FIRE TRUCK!!!

I won’t even start to describe the spread of food that followed back at the ranch because I don’t want you all stalking my neighbor and therefore coming a little too close to stalking me but let’s just say it was amazing.

If I were in charge of the party, there would be the station, chips and dogs back at my place and possibly some sort of activity involving a race to see if the kids could stop drop and roll before I sprayed them down with the hose or extinguisher. Good times.

How would you party this summer?