It’s been flooding around my town. Roads are closed. School has been canceled and we’ve all been anxiously watching the flood reports waiting for the water to crest and recede so we can get back to the normal flow of our lives.
For the past few weeks and ongoing I’ve been bleeding, before which time I was sure I was pregnant, not Psychosomatic Pregnancy Disorder sure but actually really sure. I had all the symptoms. I was even knitting for heck sake. But my body and repeated tests are telling me I’m not, at least not anymore. And I’d love to be.
I’m not that sad about a possible lost pregnancy I was never sure was real. Dan and I have waited years for me to recover mentally and physically from Magoo’s birth and have come to a point where I’m finally ready again but patient.
The problem came about 5 days after my cycle started and my anxiety and panic went through the roof. I’ve been off my post partum meds for months with smooth sailing and suddenly I found myself in that dark place, the place where I shake and throw up, cry and let my mind terrorize me, the place where I visit every doctor I know and end up back on my meds.
Although doctors like to say that bleeding for 3 weeks can be normal and that nausea in the mornings, elevated anxiety, ravenous hunger, exhaustion, catastrophic breakouts, a slippery pulse, and the 27 other things I was feeling before my cycle started don’t necessarily indicate pregnancy, I feel pretty sure that my dark place is a result of a microscopic baby who just wasn’t ready to come live with us but instead tripped my wacky hormone breaker on his way out the door.
When I’m in that place it feels as though I will never return to normalcy, that darkness, fear and panic are valid because the world is just a scary awful place. What helps me cope is Dan, Dan who is so sure that the flood will crest and I’ll return to myself again, Dan who remembers who I really am and loves me. And it’s not just Dan. I have a huge support group of family and friends. People have been coming out of the woodwork to make meals, bring flowers, give hugs while I sob and remind me that they know me and that this is NOT normal. I’ve even gotten several emails from people who I know and some who read this blog and could tell that something was not right. Thank you so much. I’ve been too overwhelmed to respond to everyone.
When my mind is in this place, it’s hard to believe that the world is a place worth living in. It’s hard to believe that I am good enough or worthy enough because if I were better or had more faith then I’d feel peace from my Heavenly Father.
Which brings me to my lesson on Sunday. On Saturday night when it became apparent I was in full scale meltdown mode I called and asked a friend to sub teaching my 14 and 15 year old girls’ class at church. Then I took a look at the lesson. It was about individual worth, how the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. It was about how we all may feel broken or unlovable at times but that God loves us all the time and that we each have a spark within us, a mission that only we can complete.
I knew that the timing of the lesson was no accident. It was filled with truth that I desperately needed to hear and I knew I had to teach it. So I went to church, tissues in hand, and taught the girls in complete tearful breakdown mode. I told them that I was teaching them even though I was having a rough time because I wanted to show them that their leaders are not always prefect. We tend to sit up there and teach about God’s love and the peace you feel when you’re doing what’s right and the joyous news of the gospel and the examples we show and the standards we set are high. I wanted them to know that each one of them was of great worth and that even when they were in the lowest depths of the dark places of their lives, they were still loved, they were still good people and it is those times that they need to rely on their faith and on their past experiences of joy and peace to get them through until the floods of darkness crest and recede.
I read them the story of Snowman, the old grey beaten-down horse who turned out to be a champion show jumper, and I promised them that they could do great things with their lives and that I knew in my heart that I could do great things too, even if I couldn’t feel it right then. My hope for them and for all of you is that you never feel that your struggles or heartaches are an indication of your worth. You are not your trials. Sometimes I think we all act so perfect on the surface that when we struggle, we doubt our divine nature and the huge gift we are and can be to so many people in this world.
I hope they got the message, rather than thinking, “Wow. Kathryn’s really lost it.” I think they did.
But whether or not I’ve lost it, I know I’ll find it again and I have a lot going for me. I do have a great work to do. Even if the only thing I ever do is make these two people, my life will be a raging success.
Just to open oneself to motherhood, not one! not two! but three times! seems to me a very courageous thing. I commend your courage and your openness, and send good wishes your way.
Once again, the Daring Young Mom dares to put herself on the line (trapeze?) and teach the world to be a little more understanding and compassionate with respect to mental illnesses. From a wife who has suffered with and through a husband’s mental illness, I thank you. You got through it before…you can do it again. Thanks for inspiring and encouraging the rest of us in the meantime.
If I could give you half the uplifting you’ve given me with this post, you’d be feeling LOTS better.
Really, you are amazing. (And not just in a “I know you’re feeling terrible so I’ll pay you a compliment” sort of a way. More like in a you are one of the neatest people I don’t know, and I don’t know A LOT of people, sort of a way.)
I’m really sorry you’re having to go through the dark time again, Kathryn. You always bring a smile to my face with your posts and when we meet in person, and I hope that your smile returns to your face soon. I’ll be praying for you.
Kathryn, I’m so sorry the darkness came back. I applaud you for sharing your real self with those girls. So often, we think we have to be perfect to be used by the Lord and that’s just not true. It’s sometimes at our lowest points that we are used the most. Hugs to you and praying that the darkness passes soon.
I think you are amazing. And I’m sure you’ll make it through. Things will work out. Things WILL work out. Promise. Hang in there and let me know if I can do anything for you. *hugs*
I’m so sorry you have been in “the dark place.” That must be so scary and frustrating, but your honesty and ability to teach YW in the middle of this makes you my hero! I’m glad you have your Dan and family and friends to see you through this.
About the bleeding, I hope it stops soon so your body and mind can heal. It’s strange, but just this week I had a positive preg test and then the next day, a negative pregnancy test and then began bleeding. This is the second time that’s happened to me this year and it is beyond confusing. Here’s hoping our bodies can figure out what’s going on!
Anyway, I needed to read this, especially your last line: “Even if the only thing I ever do is make these two people, my life will be a raging success.”
Feel better soon!
I think you are brave to have shared so much of your personal struggle with depression with all of us.
I’m sure that many have found strength in your story and inspiration to either face their own struggles, or to reach out to other people in their lives who may deal with depression.
Thank you for being willing to put it out there for others to see.
I’m glad you have Dan, and that he is a good support for you. Keep hanging on. You’ll make it!
Kathryn,
Hang in there…even in your darkness, you still have the ability to shine. Your words and the evidence of Heavenly Father in your life has brought joy to my heart.
It is amazing how Heavenly Father can give us comfort when we are in need, provide us with strength and all under the guise of teaching others…I know that the mia maids that heard your lesson will remember it for a long time to come.
Thanks for your blog…stay strong…
I think you’re such a great role model for those teenage girls! You are awesome and I know you have the inner strength, the faith, the humor, and the love of close family and friends to help you through any floods of water or emotion or both. Hang in there. Maybe just float for awhile. This too shall pass.
“It was filled with truth that I desperately needed to hear and I knew I had to teach it.” It was so TOGETHER of you to recognize that and COURAGEOUS to follow through.
And that “raging success” line is so true on so many levels. We should just take the word success at face value (ALL of us) and not try to minimize it by what feels like moments of failure. A moving and insightful post, thank you.
What a beautiful post – thank you for sharing it. I love it when people dare to ‘be real’ and share their imperfections and doubts… it lets me know I am not alone. I’m sure the girls will remember your lesson & example for a long time and will be blessed.
Oh, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Reading your posts helps me see myself better. I hope you feel more like yourself soon.
I knew something was up but didn’t dare to ask. I am so proud of your for putting yourself out there.
You are a strong woman for that. Keep you head up and I will keep you in my prayers.
….and this too shall pass.
those young women are so lucky to have you as a leader. i am positive that the lesson you taught will be one they will always remember. and individual worth is such an important subject.
i hope that things start looking up for you soon. until then, i’m thinking about you, praying for you, and commiserating with you.
Very sorry to hear about what happened and hope that you are already on the upswing by the time I’m writing this.
This post is filled with so many truths. I was one of those teenagers that was often in a dark place and if an adult had shared like you did I think it would have made a world of difference. Love that you did this! I bet you did so much good for those girls. And that can only ripple out from that circle to do so much more good in the great wide world.
Hugs to you and one for Dan for taking such good care of you.
Just wanted to send some (((hugs)))
Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. As I tell my friends here at home, we can’t pray for you if we don’t know.
Got you covered. Hugs.
will be praying for you. i know about dark places, been there too many times to count. keep your head up, you are doing great!! hugs and prayers…
I have never posted here before but I read your blog often. I know this dark place well. Reading about you are feeling reminded me so much of when I was pregnant with my first baby, Apple. It was the darkest, scariest time of my life and I didn’t think I would make it through it. When I was 6 weeks pregnant, me and the little baby girl in my uterus spent a night in the psych unit in a hospital ( I do not recommend this) because I was so scared and didn’t know what to do. Like you, though, I have an amazing husband who never thought I wouldn’t “come back,” and, like you, I also believe there is a loving God who wants us to experience his joy and so even when I didn’t feel His presence, I kept crying out to him. I know He hears you and I know you will feel joy again. Don’t feel bad if you have to take medication again. I have come to the realization that I will probably always be on it, but I know it’s not for everyone. I am praying for you and hope things get better quickly and you get to a place where you can see clearly again.
“My hope for them and for all of you is that you never feel that your struggles or heartaches are an indication of your worth. You are not your trials.”
Thank you for writing this. It’s been a rough day for me and I needed this insight.
From a gal who has grown up in the church and dealt all too personally with the “very dark place” where I could actually feel a thick dark mist around me asa Satan tried desperately to make me feel I had made wrong choices, I can sympathize. Still I deal with depression by means of anger issues, guilt–oh so much guilt–to the point of saying mean things about myself just to hear a response from my husband and other such nonsense that I can’t explain or get over. I know it sounds bad to say that I am happy I am not the only one, but it is nice to know that a wonderful person such as you whom I only know from reading your blog occasionally could deal with the same struggles as me. We knew we would have these struggles before we chose to come to this earth and enduring through till the end will only tighten the Savior’s arms around us when we return honorably to His presence and He says “Well done.”
Your title for this post is perfect. You know that it does crest, and then ebb, and you know about your divine nature and individual worth. You can hold on to those in the dark times.
I’m so sorry your road to those bright, sweet babies is such a dark one. Warm wishes to you from all your sisters.
You are fantastic, you will make it through, and your life IS a raging success.
I was wondering if something was up – thanks for being brave enough to share, with us and with the YW. Girls need real models – women who fight to make it and who DO make it, and you, Kathryn, exemplify that.
We always hear that depression is a scary and powerful thing. If it can rob a person like you of their self-worth (albeit temporarily), then it is indeed a force to be reckoned with. So I just want to add my voice to the many others: You are an incredible person. I feel really lucky to know you (if only semi-peripherally 🙂 You are strong. You are loved. I know that it’s hard to feel this way right now, but it’s true. As Lehi said: “…I am encircled about eternally in the arms of [the Lord’s] love.” (2 Nep. 1:15) What an amazing thing! And what an amazing gal you are. Feel better soon!
Kathryn –
I knew how much I liked you, but now I love you. I cannot even put into words how much your post touched my heart and reminded me of *my* worth. I wish my 16 year old daughter had been in your group on Sunday.
Love,
Your Neighbor in Oregon
Kathryn:
I’m SO sorry you are dealing with the darkness again!!! Hang in there! And yes, your life is already a success — a million times over!!!
A year and a half ago, your posts and your messages helped me get through dark times. I’ll always remember that. You, a perfect stranger helping me and believing in me when even I didn’t. I know you’re strong and you’re going to be ok. Sending you a big hug from Quebec.
Sending hugs and smooches. (Or, smugs and hooches.)
The flooding WILL recede. It always does.
I’ve been in that dark place myself – and hope never to go back. I know you don’t know me but I know exactly how you feel. Thankfully too I have a wonderful husband and family and heavenly support system that – while not taking it away -Right.Now. – help me get to the other side. Bless you.
Oh Kathryn, I’m keeping you in my thoughts – you will get through it, you will. And those waters will back away, soon I hope.
Thank you for being so open and sharing. You expressed beautifully the dark feelings that I have often felt before. It really is true that it does always get better. I believe so strongly that we all have a purpose here. Thank you.
Kathryn,
I’m so glad you have a great support system to help you through this. It’s great that you can be so real and open about these challenges. We all learn from you and love you more for sharing your trials because it gives us reason to direct prayers your way. What a great lesson for those girls to see and feel as they learn how to get through those dark nights that they will all have sometime in their lives. I hope the dawn comes soon for you.
Thank you for being so real. For us and for those girls.
What a difference it makes to not always see people as being “perfect”.
You said some very profound and uplifting things. Thank you.
You are AWESOME!! Maybe Gods plan is to have a child come to your family by other means? Maybe you could look into that?
I just read last night in the Ensign “You Know Enough” by Neil L. Andersen..it is AMAZING and heart warming and gives a little nudge in the right direction. We are great people and can do great things and we “know” it!!
I’ve been waiting for The Darkness, but I’ve decided the post-partum period is the only time my brain really knows how to behave. I was a total wreck for most of my pregnancy this time around and I’m so sorry you have to be in that place too.
I’m trying to focus more on where God is when I’m anxious, but it’s so hard to focus on him when you’re, you know, a wreck. Thanks for writing about this.
I wish I had a teacher like you.
I sincerely hope you get back your normal self soon. I know the God has a good purpose for your life. But, of course, take all the time you need. It sounds like you have an amazing group of people around you that love and support you.
I will keep you in my prayers. God bless!
I’m sorry that you’ve been navigating deep water this fall….thank you for sharing your heart so openly. {hugs and prayers}
The photo is precious!
I’m glad those girls have you for a leader. I’m glad you have Dan for a help-meet. (Hey, helping’s a two-way street! :)) I’m sorry to hear that the darkness has come back but with Dan and God and the wonderful “I can do it!” attitude I see so much of from you, I’m sure you will overcome. ^_^
Kathryn,
I love you I love you I love you.
What an amazing story about teaching the girls. Divine spark. You are super duper sparkly. And brave for talking about something so hard on the blog, out loud in the world. Like you do. Because you’re you.
YOU ARE AWESOME.
I hope the meds help again. I hope you feel better soon.
xoxoxo
Wow, you are brave to share so honestly, but by doing so, you’ve made a wonderful point, ” You are not your trials. Sometimes I think we all act so perfect on the surface that when we struggle, we doubt our divine nature and the huge gift we are and can be to so many people in this world.”
Very well said, and a lesson that needs repeating, every two days or so.
Honey, why why why go off of your meds? I am having a baby in March, I am staying on the meds (Prozac for me) and have even had to increase them, because the risks of side effects on the baby are better than the risks to the baby who is being carried by an anxious and depressed mother–Is there something you can take that has been well studied?
There is no way I could do this without the meds. Many people I know think meds make you loopy or numb, but really, it’s the only way I can think clearly.
ESPECIALLY with the increased risk for post-partum issues, I had to realize that me being stressed out and depressed and panicky was far far worse than the possible (not inevitable–POSSIBLE) risks of taking the meds.
I am having a healthy boy, he is growing perfectly, everything on that end is great–because on the meds, I can take care of myself and him, and my family beyond.
If you need it, TAKE IT. Get your baby.
My husband struggles with depression and I am ashamed to say I was sometimes less compassionate than I should have been. I just couldn’t understand. I am an eternally perky person and nothing ever bothers me. Then after I had my daughter I went through the worst time of my life. I cried constantly for no reason and I was so down. My anxiety levels were high and I became very familiar with the dark place you mention. It hurts me deeply to know that my husband struggles with this on a daily basis. Something I was able to shake after a few weeks is something he has dealt with for many years. I applaud you for speaking out and sharing. So many people just don’t get it and if you can help open their eyes so they may help a friend or loved one, then you have accomplished something beautiful. God bless.
Thank you for writing this. We all need to hear it. And when I was 14-15 I REALLY needed to hear it – you were wise and brave to teach on Sunday.
Take care of yourself. You can get through this. I’ll be praying for you.
I’m so, so sorry you’ve had such a difficult time lately. The thought of going back “there” is the scariest thing to me.
Tie that knot Kathryn and hang on. You are loved, you are needed and you are going to be OK. Thanks for being so honest about your trials, you help a lot of people I know.
Thank you for sharing this. It is dark now, but you know where to find the Light. Thank you for reminding the rest of us where to find the Light.
Hi Kathryn,
There’s a poem by Kahlil Gibran in his book The Prophet. He talks about Joy and Sorrow – Pleasure and Pain, and how these things are necessary for us to feel one or the other. I’ve always thought that The Darkness (I know it well) is something of a gift: you can let it come, hollow you out, take you to the ultimate depths — and in return, know that you’ll have that much more capacity for joy, for light, for the beauty that you embrace in your life every day. I think you’re very brave to share this with all of us. You are teaching people, even through your pain.
Thank you. My prayers are with you.
Sending hope, prayer, and best wishes for the future your way.
Sending warm and fuzzy thoughts your way. Things will get better with time (and meds). It was very brave and commendable of you to go and teach those girls on Sunday. Bravo.
Thank you for your honesty and openness. It is a blessing to read your story.
You have received so many beautiful replies ( I read every single one of them), that I do not need to add my own words but to say, “Amen!”
Let me share the words of our beloved past prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckley.
“It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. HE WILL NOT FORSAKE US…. If we put out trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.”
Also, Jeffrey R. Holland gave a CES talk to the 18-30 year olds (at 29 I barely made the cut!) in the church on September 7th, 2008 that speaks to this exact concept of learning from the dark times. He gave all of us the homework assignment to study and ponder Doctrine and Covenants 121, 122, and 123. These are the sections Joseph wrote from Carthage Jail. Jeffrey R. Holland called that place his temple-prison, and talked about how our deepest and darkest times can also serve as a temple experience while feeling imprisoned in darkness.
Holland, Jeffrey R., “Lessons from Liberty Jail,” CES Fireside for Young Adults, Sept. 7, 2008 It is the featured address currently at lds.org, additional addresses
http://lds.org/library/page/display/0,7098,5344-1-2783-1,00.html
I HIGHLY recommend reading it.
One last thing – a quote by an unknown author:
Hope is like the sun which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us… Hope sweetens the memory of experiences well-loved. It tempers our troubles to our growth and our strength. It befriends us in dark hours, excites us in bright ones. It lends promise to the future and purpose to the past. It turns discouragement into determination.”
My own ride with the highs and lows that come with bipolar disorder has taught me a lot. Your post was a good reminder and refresher of the things the spirit has taught me in the past. Boiled down: You are loved and worthy of love, even when you feel the most unlovable. Even when you are at worst, the Lord sees you at your best. Divine worth. These things you already know. I don’t “know” you, but I love you.
A sister in the gospel
Once again, you are such an example and inspiration to me. I don’t read your blog as often as I’d like to, but whenever I do, it is so amazingly worth it. I know you’ve been having a hard time and I’m so sorry for all you’re going through, but I just have to say you are so amazing to have gone to church and taught those girls. That took such great faith and power that I am in awe in your presence. I had the good fortune to watch your precious little ones for a weekend and you are doing a GREAT job just “making those two little people”. Thank you so much for sharing your ups and downs with the rest of us and for helping us to increase our faith and sometimes at the same time laugh so hard we cry. Kathryn, you are one of my heroes. Truly you are a blessing to all of us who read you!