So it turns out I lied. The taxes and I? We were not meant to be together. Not here, not now, not like this. Last year I rocked the taxes. I turboed the taxes. I filled in the numbers, pulled the lever, and got us a sweet return.
Dan took the tax return and, with the help of the good folks at Dell, converted it into a totally wicked server with a raid-array-blabbity-blah which we are using to slowly take over the world, one bit at a time.
This year, after –
“Oh Anne! I’ve loved you as long as I can remember.” So-ry. I’m watching Gil propose to Anne as I type this. It’s a little distracting. She’s “so desperately sorry.” Ahhhh….
-Oh, yeah. This year, after making a complete disaster of our taxes, I gave up in despair, vowing to return in a few days and fix the damage. That was a few weeks ago and the tax documents have lived in a very large and unruly folder in the office, unloved and unattended to. I literally turn my back and shudder as I walk by them.
Then yesterday Dan realized we’d have to pay extra on TurboTax if we didn’t file by the 31st so he gathered up my mess, sorted the documents, deciphered the tough stuff and saved us from financial ruin and years of house arrest and community service.
Hmm….house arrest and community service? This sounds a little too familiar. It’s flu season around these parts….
One thing’s for sure. I’m glad he did his research. If it had not been for this enlightening article Dan found online, we never would have known that I needed to claim the “commission” I’m making running those cock fights in our garage or blackmailing the nice old man next door.
Of course Dan passed this info along to all of his embezzling, extortionizing co-workers. One particularly shady character asked if he robbed a federal bank and took only 700,000 of their million dollar holdings, could he consider his taxes already paid? I’m not sure. I bet he can find the answer to that online.
He probably just needs to claim it as previously paid taxes on the 6759R form under drug money and other miscellaneous felonious profitocity.
We don’t even do our taxes by ourself. We hand all our receipts over to an accountant and cross our fingers. I am so worried about not paying enough. I just don’t want anybody coming back to tell us we owe more. So here I say as I close my eyes, turn my head and hold out a huge handfull of cash. Take as much as you want. Go on, take some more ’cause we live in Quebec and a little extra ’cause we’re just rolling in it.
Now let me get back in my 6 year old van and pump some more money into the federal coffers. Don’t worry I get lots of hand-me-downs to clothe my kids and maybe we can eek another year out of our old leaky roof.
And those who stole our money in the sprnsorship deal, the HR scam the…scams. I bet they don’t have a leaky roof.
Taxes!
You never cease to crack me up.
“raid-array-blabbity-blah”? Where do you come up with this stuff? You are hilarious.
awesome! I love you daring!
“…we never would have known that I needed to claim the “commission” I’m making running those cock fights in our garage or blackmailing the nice old man next door.”
Too funny.
You’re blackmailing someone, too?! J/K!
We were audited awhile back –oh, joy–and hubby handed the man a big black trash bag full of paperwork. Seriously.
He’s gotten better; I keep the files and he found the accountant!
I love your blog. You manage to crack me up every single day.
I never attempt to do our taxes. Neither does hubby. We rely on good ole H&R Block.
Taxes – one of the things for which I have to trust an expert. I don’t mind dishing out $100 for an accountant to wave his magic want and double our tax return.
Claiming illegal income is like going to the police station to identify the marijuana that was stolen from your bedroom. If the government accepted that tax money, wouldn’t they be guilty of money laundering? This is a great argument for tax reform.
See posts like this is why I hired a tax accountant the past three years. Hand it all over, pay $75, sign the paperwork, get a big return a few weeks later. It’s great!
brooke c., I loved your comment! The government money laundering racket. Awwwh yeah. DYM, you and DYD are the best and some of the most interesting and entertaining people I know! You must get it from your parents. 🙂 AaAhhhaaahaha. Love ya
Tax season scares the pants off of me. This year in particular, because we cashed out on some stuff and will have to pay a penalty.
We take our taxes to someone. If we didn’t, my husband would need to stuff valium in my Riesen chocolates.
Funny stuff here. I’m guessing the requirement to report illegal income is two-fold:
a) Catch stupid criminals (redundant, I know) who report it
b) Additional charges for the “clever” criminals who don’t report it and get caught later, especially if they manage to escape conviction for the original crime
I wish I had raid-array-blabbity-blah, but all I can afford is network-storage-clickety-clunk (ooh, that sounded expensive)
love the turboing– seeing those refund dollars in the top L corner of the screen- warms my soul…
There’s going to be a time when my mom won’t do my taxes for me anymore. Hopefully it’s not this year. I should ask.
This is exactly why I married a tax accountant. I don’t have to worry about it AND I don’t have to pay- well- in dollars at least. 😉
I like your tax humor! Nice stress relief! Come see me!
Yuck! Taxes. They never seem to end, do they? So nice that DYD took them over to save you the agony this year.
I have been doing my own taxes since I was old enough to file and a few years back I worked for a popular tax company doing other peoples tax returns. They don’t intimidate me and all our friends come to me with tax questions. My dear husband has NO CLUE when it comes to our taxes, he just signs the return and spends the refund $$. But DYM your view on taxes made me laugh! I love your posts!
I am married to a man who is convinced–CONVINCED–that he is smarter than the IRS. And I happen to agree, which is neither here nor there, but we do our own taxes and we nearly ALWAYS do them WRONG.
But we don’t learn. This year, we were entitled to MORE of a refund than we claimed, which somehow convinces us to KEEP DOING IT OURSELVES.
We really are stupid. (And? You’re so funny.)
ROFL… there is humor in everything with you! Reading your blog is like a great episode of Seinfeld. One day you will be syndicated. 🙂
Doing taxes for the year that just past is nerve racking i say but if you do it early, the problems you thin you’ll have won’t be so bad
I’m still working on ours, and it always makes me shudder….. I can’t wait to have them done.
Nothing like turning it all over to an accountant… ahhh… let them take the hit if they mess up, it’s out of my hands!
We have an accoutant and he’s saved our marriage. We had over the envelope full of farm junk and he gives us a great return for $35. Now that’s rural living for you!
I could watch Gil propose to Anne everday! Ahhh, I wish Gil would propose to me…but I guess Husband will do.
The whole requirement that criminals list their illegal gains IS a means of the government actually catching criminals, but not because they declared their criminality.
The IRS is not allowed to share information with anyone else in the government. So writing, “Blackmail money $150,000, fenced goods $32,000, drug profits $2mil,” is not going to get anyone in trouble.
Most criminals are, wait for it, criminals. They don’t follow the law. So when the law requires that they report the income they got from breaking the law, they often don’t.
That is when the IRS goes after them. If the government knows they are a criminal, but can’t prove anything, they ask the IRS to check. If the guy didn’t file income tax on ill-gotten gain, and is clearly living on more than his declared income, then the IRS can get him.
They have an entire section of their bureacracy for this purpose. It’s the Criminal Investigation Division.
Oftentimes they are turned in, not by the government, but by disgruntled ex-wives or associates who don’t want to work with them anymore.
That audit thing isn’t just scary to those of us who aren’t criminals and are trying to pay our taxes correctly.
Oh, my sides hurt…trying…to…catch…
breath!
Very, very funny!
Turbo tax…what kind of twisted person created this torture machine/software? Oh wait, it is not the Turbo tax…it is MY HUSBAND’S SHOEBOX FULL OF CRUMPLED RECEIPTS that sends me into tax-hell!!
🙂
I cover my eyes and close my ears and hope that my dh is doing them correctly. I don’t want to deal with it at all. Ignoring it has worked for 7 years now. Hooray for ignorance!
that seriously is SO funny!! Doesn’t paying taxes on such money incriminate you? Can they then arrest you?? Man, the things you and Dan find:-)
I believe that Al Capone was finally jailed not for murder, raketeering, etc., but for tax fraud.
Anyway, some folks are under the delusion that a fat refund is some kind of gift or bonus — it aint. A refund means that you loaned that money to your government interest-free over the last year.
A refund means that not only did you pay all that tax but you also paid interest on the refund back to the government.
Maybe you knew that and that’s your way of expressing your patriotism. Good for you, then.
If you’re cluelessly lending money though, consider having less withheld from your paycheck so that you break even or owe just a tiny bit at tax time.
That way, you can get your supercomputer earlier and feel smug that you weren’t suckered out of interest you could have earned yourself.
how come you never let me in on a piece of the cock-fighting action?