Today I offer you some time-honored bits of advice that have served me well in my life. I hope they work for you and if you have some of your own, feel free to share.
1. If none of the boys are worth dating, don’t date em. If none of the food in the house is worth eating, don’t mindlessly stuff your face. If none of your kids are not having a fit of angry bovine proportions, don’t take them shopping.
2. When someone is waking up with a clean pull-up after every nap but the pull-ups are still disappearing from the drawer at a steady rate and you start to notice a strange smell in the family room, check under the crack in the slipcover before the acidic pee of death and destruction claims your couch as its final resting place.
3. Never engage in a fight with your spouse if he is still asleep.
4. When your grocery store checker asks you how things are going, don’t really tell her. Do compliment her on the gold star on her nametag and feel free to make faces behind any irate customer who may be harassing her.
5. If you grow tired of feeding your fish, leave him alone with your husband for two weeks. They will bond and begin speaking to each other in the language of fishy bachelorhoodic solidarity. Your husband will teach the fish tricks and develop a tender feeding routine. You will never need to feed or cuddle
your his fish again.
6. Don’t purchase any item of clothing that you don’t feel good about dousing with poop, shredding with craft scissors, rolling in mud, scraping with sand paper, throwing into a vat of chunky yellow vomit, dipping in lighter fluid and then incinerating with a blow-torch. You can postpone taking this advice until you’re ready to start having children.
6. Don’t eat the pigs feet.
HOW did I miss the Pigs Feet post? Genius!
OK the couch story, this might be a good one to insure the wrong people don’t come visiting…definitely useful information.
Antique Mommy says
You are so wise. So wise indeed. In Texas however, I would have to emmend your list to state “Do compliment her on the gold star on her front tooth.”
Can SO relate to #2. Now that you are on to the sofa, you may want to check behind the laundry room door that is always open. Don’t ask me how I know.
sarah k. says
It’s too early for me to laugh out loud, but my head is spinning with the awesomeness of your tips. Someone in my house still hasn’t noticed the porcine appendages. Even looking straight at them.
Did you eat them?
Inexperienced Dad says
Item number 2 sounds like a great story….
OOOH! I was laughing until the poop throw-up comment! I was TRYING to eat my lunch.
I think I just threw up in my mouth. 🙂
#2. Also keep a close eye on the little cupboard in the play kitchen.
#6. That’s what boy scout food drives are for.
don’t eat the pigs feet – I’m glad you said that!! 🙂
Rocks in my Dryer says
I have actually done #3, much to Hubs’ dismay.
Heather from One Woman's World says
Does that mean that you tried to eat them?
Julie Q. says
I love you. Can I just tell you that? I’m sitting here at BYU just about to start a lecture on Modernism that I’m really too depressed to give and I thought I’d pop in and see what you had to say to me. And you made me smile. Your glorious sense of humor and REALness made me smile. Thanks.
Now it’s back to Stravinsky. Sigh.
Julie just said exactly what I was going to say. Except the bit about the lecture on Modernism. Love you to bits. You are such a “real” person. =)
#2–Look behind their bedroom dresser, too!
LOL!!! Oh! do you ever keep cracking me up! no rock solid tidbits for you. You took all mine – cheater.