This morning Magoo emerged from his room with a large stuffed turtle tucked under his arm, rather than the small mangy dog he’s been carrying around for weeks as his “baby.”
“This is my new baby,” he announced.
“Oh really? What happened to your old baby?”
“He never LISTENS to me. This baby LISTENS to me so he’s my new baby now.”
I think this is good criteria for choosing a baby. As she’s drooling in the Bjorn and I’m expounding my great treasures of knowledge, is the baby really listening? Well if not… You never know who I’ll end up with the next morning. It may be a turtle or a purple frog but a baby who doesn’t listen doesn’t last very long in this household.
So he took his baby to church where he cuddled him, tossed him around and eventually dropped him on the floor. I didn’t see much talking or listening and I wondered how long the relationship would last.
Laylee retrieved the wide-eyed turtle infant from the ground and began moving it around in a pattern resembling play but which did not appear enjoyable in any way. And then she sneezed.
I know she sneezed because I heard the sound next to me and a moment later she was holding the turtle 3 inches from my face with a guilty, teeth-baring grin/grimace on her face. There was a largish boogie on the turtle.
Magoo hadn’t noticed the desecration yet and she whispered, “What should I DO!?”
I searched my bag in vain for tissues or wipes and then told her quietly to take the turtle to the bathroom and wipe him down with a damp paper towel. This seemed to please her, the idea of having any business important enough to excuse her from a church meeting giving an inexplicable maturity and importance to her very being. As she marched with dignity from the room, Magoo noticed the baby-napping that had just occurred.
“Where’s she taking my BABY!?”
“Your baby has a boogie on his head and she’s gone to clean it off,” I whispered.
At this point, please ask me how much I had gotten out of the church meeting? Not a lot. I did have a renewed testimony of baby wipes, even when your human babies are past the point of diaperhood but other than that, it had been a pretty unfulfilling service.
And Magoo seemed strangely pleased over the drama with his baby. Of course he longed for his safe return, but a BOOGIE ON HIS HEAD?! That was obviously scandalous and cool in a way that only a 3 or 13-year-old boy can truly appreciate.
5 minutes passed.
Laylee returned with the turtle, holding it boog-first towards me, the grimace still on her face.
“In the bathroom there was a sign that said ”˜DO NOT something-I-couldn’t-read.’ I was worried that I wasn’t allowed to wash the boogie off his head.”
How, oh how did I keep a straight face as I told my semi-literate daughter that I was pretty sure, like 100% sure, that the sign did not say, “DO NOT WIPE BOOGIES OFF THE HEADS OF STUFFED BABY TURTLES IN THIS BATHROOM?”
“Are you sure?”
I’m pleased to say that the baby has now been cleansed and his listening skills are as good as ever. Perhaps better.
Heather from One Woman's World says
Holy hannah of hilariosity. I was laughing out loud like a maniac!
Oh. My. Goodness! Your kids are just too darn cute. I love that Laylee was SO intent on keeping in line with whatever warning may or may not have been posted on the bathroom door. “Are you sure?” Ah, she just kills me. In a good way. 🙂
The Daring One says
I think she wanted me to go check the sign but I felt that from where I was sitting, I could read it well enough in my imagination to make that judgment call.
I was laughing out loud! Kids really do/say the darndest things…
sweet mama entropy says
Hilarious!! And it sounds like you get more out of your church meetings then I get out of mine – mine are never THAT interesting 🙂
That was hysterical!!
What mom with small kids DOES get much out of church? I have had many of those “why, oh why do I not keep tissues or wipes in my bag anymore?” sundays. I never learn…maybe I should be replaced too.
THAT was a great way for me to start my Monday.
That is the funniest thing I have read/heard in months. I laughed so hard, I almost couldn’t breath. Man, I wish I had that much fun in church yesterday!
(And if you really kept a straight face, “you are a better man than me Gridley”!)
I’m pretty sure there’s a sign on the bathroom door at our church that says, “DO NOT WIPE BOOGIES OFF THE HEADS OF STUFFED BABY TURTLES IN THIS BATHROOM?” It’s a good thing she was at your church instead.
I cannot belive you kept a straight face during all this. I would have collapsed in a fit of hysterical giggles leaving everyone to wonder about my sanity! You are a rock. 🙂
Steph @ Diapers and Divinity says
I’ve decided that kids say their very funniest things while you are at church because you are not allowed to laugh out loud. (And they sometimes do their naughtiest things at church because you’re not allowed to yell out loud.)
Melissa @ Anxious for Nothing says
HA HA HA HA HA!!! Thank you so much for sharing the cuteness!
LOL! I needed a good laugh today…your children have personality plus!
seems like a regular first hour of church to me! I love it.
This is HILARIOUS! Oh for the love of Pete, kids are fantastic. 🙂
Honey Mommy says
Your kids are hilarious.
Right now I just have super-wiggly babies. I long for the day when I can send either of my kids out of the meeting alone!
How is it that you can take something so completely NORMAL and make it so hilarious?
It’s a gift, lady. A gift.
I hope my kids are still concerned with following the rules when they are old enough to start reading 🙂 Good job, Mommy.
I just love love love your writing. YOu KILLL ME!!!
You’re just…the best! Man. I laughed so hard…I almost wished for a boogie church story for myself. Except, mine would most certainly involve the boogie on the back of an old lady’s once-a-week-hair-appointment-‘do. And it would take me a long time to be able to laugh by the time my red face had finally cooled off.
Oh. My. Gosh. That was hilarious!
This post is worth reading a few times over and over! What a blast!
Pam in Utah says
Are you sure you’re not a famous TV comedy script writer. Or maybe it’s your kids? FUNJNNy.
Wow – I have some good church stories but this takes the prize. Tears on my cheeks from laughing – literally.